I’m reading a really good book right now called Behind Those Eyes by author Lisa Whittle. You can find her blog here.
The book is supposed to address “what’s really happening in the souls of women” and let me tell you, it’s a doozy. From Ms. Perfection to Ms. Happiness to the most challenging of all, Ms. Spirituality, it takes the first chapter, The Truth Hurts to really lay it out for you.
We as women, hide behind so many different masks. We have learned from society, church, and definitely the military to put on our masks to cover an inner pain but even more so our inner beauty.
Page after page rang true for me. I saw myself written in her words, and stopped to wonder how she had gotten it so right, so on target, right in the inner depth of the struggle that every woman goes through on a daily, hourly, even minute by minute basis.
Do I cover up my feelings to avoid being hurt? Do I cover up what I really think to fit in with the crowd? Do I cover up the tears with a mask covered in the finest makeup, the makeup that thinly veils what I’m really feeling?
I know that when my husband was deployed I didn’t want to feel the hurt and the pain of being alone. I learned to use my masks with the best of the best of them. I could cover up the heartache of deployment with my most matter of fact explanation. “Yes, my husbands deployed, To Iraq, he left when our son was 10 days old, he should be back around his first birthday” Nonchalant conversations that pierced my soul nonetheless.
As you walk through another day dealing with this life of deployment, of being a military mommy, I encourage you to take off your mask for a moment. Experience the pain, the healing, and the raw vulnerability of really getting real.
Tomorrow, from the book, The Truth Heals. But for today, what mask have you been wearing lately?
Always,
Jesi
Showing posts with label Challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Challenges. Show all posts
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Identity
Have you hidden yourself inside the identity of being an Army wife, a military mommy?
Boy did I ever! During this deployment I clung so tightly to the ideals, to what my husband was fighting for, the reason we were sacrificing of ourselves.
I watched Army Wives every Sunday (even when it got silly and outrageous) I talked to other Army wives and military mommys, I read books, started writing my own and connected with my inner warrior. You know the one, the one who gives you the strength to make it just one more day.
Being an Army wife and a military mommy became a part of my identity. It became a part of who I was. I had to explain over and over again that my husband was deployed. That he left when Max was 10 days old. That he would be home by Max's first birthday. That I didn't neccesarily disagree with the war. That I did disagree with those who made the troops feel opposed and unsupported.
Despite the tears, the sleepless nights, the fear, the worry and the hardest days, being an Army wife and military mommy has shaped the woman that I am today. And for that, I am thankful.
How has this crazy ride shaped your identity?
Always,
Jesi
Boy did I ever! During this deployment I clung so tightly to the ideals, to what my husband was fighting for, the reason we were sacrificing of ourselves.
I watched Army Wives every Sunday (even when it got silly and outrageous) I talked to other Army wives and military mommys, I read books, started writing my own and connected with my inner warrior. You know the one, the one who gives you the strength to make it just one more day.
Being an Army wife and a military mommy became a part of my identity. It became a part of who I was. I had to explain over and over again that my husband was deployed. That he left when Max was 10 days old. That he would be home by Max's first birthday. That I didn't neccesarily disagree with the war. That I did disagree with those who made the troops feel opposed and unsupported.
Despite the tears, the sleepless nights, the fear, the worry and the hardest days, being an Army wife and military mommy has shaped the woman that I am today. And for that, I am thankful.
How has this crazy ride shaped your identity?
Always,
Jesi
Monday, November 10, 2008
You're So Blessed
I don't believe in Luck, because I do believe in God. I know that everything happens for a reason (even when I cannot see the reason and I spend hours crying in the darkness of my sons nursery)
But in the darkness of winter, when the nights turn black so early in the evening. And the seasons surround you with a snowy joy that threatens to overtake your sanity, it's hard to remember that you are NOT unlucky, that this life is not a curse, but that YOU ARE immensely blessed.
You are so blessed to have your Prince Charming. To know the feeling of a love that surpasses a distance, a challenge, and yes, even a deployment.
You are so blessed to have the joy of being a mother.
Of holding a healthy baby and knowing that you formed him (or her) in your womb.
You are so blessed to have a faith to hold on to.
So blessed to know our God.
You are so blessed to have a home to sleep in. A bed to keep you warm.
So blessed to make a meal to share with your children. Your family. Your friends.
You are so blessed to be married to man of strength. Of character. Brave, loving, caring, faithful.
So blessed to have your life.
Even the parts that make you cry in stores. Make you question why the holiday displays must be up already.
You are so blessed to celebrate this season.
Knowing that our Savior was born on Christmas Day, coming to save us.
So blessed to be saved.
So Blessed. So Blessed. So Blessed.
Counting the blessings. It's hard when your soul is threatened by the wintery darkness. Just try.
Always,
Jesi
But in the darkness of winter, when the nights turn black so early in the evening. And the seasons surround you with a snowy joy that threatens to overtake your sanity, it's hard to remember that you are NOT unlucky, that this life is not a curse, but that YOU ARE immensely blessed.
You are so blessed to have your Prince Charming. To know the feeling of a love that surpasses a distance, a challenge, and yes, even a deployment.
You are so blessed to have the joy of being a mother.
Of holding a healthy baby and knowing that you formed him (or her) in your womb.
You are so blessed to have a faith to hold on to.
So blessed to know our God.
You are so blessed to have a home to sleep in. A bed to keep you warm.
So blessed to make a meal to share with your children. Your family. Your friends.
You are so blessed to be married to man of strength. Of character. Brave, loving, caring, faithful.
So blessed to have your life.
Even the parts that make you cry in stores. Make you question why the holiday displays must be up already.
You are so blessed to celebrate this season.
Knowing that our Savior was born on Christmas Day, coming to save us.
So blessed to be saved.
So Blessed. So Blessed. So Blessed.
Counting the blessings. It's hard when your soul is threatened by the wintery darkness. Just try.
Always,
Jesi
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I'd like to introduce you to my friend
I'd like to take today to introduce you to my friend, my sister in this crazy world that we call the Military, Jackie.
Check out her most recent post on her new blog, True Confessions of an Army Wife.
http://trueconfessionsofanarmywife.blogspot.com/
When I stumbled across another Army wife and military mommy on an internet forum earlier in the year I decided to take a moment and chat with this woman that I have never met.
Our stories were similiar, young baby boys, husbands gone, stong believers in Christ. We were destined to know each other, if only through the blogosphere. Even though we have never met, and maybe never will, I consider her a friend.
Jackie is the ultimate Military Wife. She sends her husband Aaron, homemade goodies and amazing care packages on a set schedule. She has carried her laptop around in case he can webcam. She is positive and sweet and loves her husband, despite the hard circumstances that the military has given her.
Beyond that, she is an amazing military mommy, my sister in Christ, an inspiration to me, and should be an inspiration to you too. She has it together and she is making it day by day, counting down the weeks, getting through the holidays, and raising a beautiful, healthy, strong, SuperBaby named Cayman.
If you don't already know Jackie from her blog, go check her out. I promise you will leave inspired by the courageous heart of another military wife and mommy, surviving this thing we call deployment. Kudos to Jackie, for all that she does!
Pray for her, Aaron and Cayman too.
Always,
Jesi
Check out her most recent post on her new blog, True Confessions of an Army Wife.
http://trueconfessionsofanarmywife.blogspot.com/
When I stumbled across another Army wife and military mommy on an internet forum earlier in the year I decided to take a moment and chat with this woman that I have never met.
Our stories were similiar, young baby boys, husbands gone, stong believers in Christ. We were destined to know each other, if only through the blogosphere. Even though we have never met, and maybe never will, I consider her a friend.
Jackie is the ultimate Military Wife. She sends her husband Aaron, homemade goodies and amazing care packages on a set schedule. She has carried her laptop around in case he can webcam. She is positive and sweet and loves her husband, despite the hard circumstances that the military has given her.
Beyond that, she is an amazing military mommy, my sister in Christ, an inspiration to me, and should be an inspiration to you too. She has it together and she is making it day by day, counting down the weeks, getting through the holidays, and raising a beautiful, healthy, strong, SuperBaby named Cayman.
If you don't already know Jackie from her blog, go check her out. I promise you will leave inspired by the courageous heart of another military wife and mommy, surviving this thing we call deployment. Kudos to Jackie, for all that she does!
Pray for her, Aaron and Cayman too.
Always,
Jesi
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
The Grocery Cart Story
After all that depressing talk about the Holidays, and the elections which are OVER by the way so enough media for the love of all things, I figured you needed a funny...
Without further ado, the shopping cart story.
It started like any other evening...I picked up Max from daycare and headed home. And then I remembered that I had to feed my dog cheerios the night before because we were out of dog food.
NO LIE on the cheerios...Deuce loved them.
Anyways, I changed my route and headed to Target, Max strapped into his carseat behind me. I peeked back and him and he was O-U-T. In case you weren't aware Max is NOT a sleeper. He prefers to live his life playing, eating, and playing some more until he crashes into a self induced traumatic meltdown that concludes with a brief catnap. Just enough to refresh for a few more hours of play, eat, play.
Normally, I would forgo the lure of Target. But really, my 70 pound chocolate lab cannot continue to live on cheerios. I had to get dog food! As I pulled into the parking lot I cursed my plight as a military mommy. If Rob were home I could give him a call and ask him to pick up the dog food, or I could head home and drop off the baby and go to Target alone, or I could run out later after Max was in bed and Rob hung out playing WOW. So many options not available to this military mommy.
As I pulled Max out of his carseat, he stayed asleep. This is abnormal for the King of Catnaps but whatever. I walked into the store and got a basket, all the while holding my 25 pound monster in one arm. My forearm ached as I headed to the back of the store. And then I reached the pet aisle and looked back and forth from my child, to my cart, to the 30 pound bag of dog food I was buying. Crap!
Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea. I spotted the dog beds, they sure looked comfy. I wonder...if I put this here little dog bed in my cart and ever so gently laid down my child I could at least grab the dog food before he awoke in a rage at the injustice of being dragged to Target after such a long day at daycare.
I slipped the dog bed into the cart. I smushed it down. I ever so gently laid my sleeping child onto the bed, holding my breath for just a few moments of quiet to grab the food and run.
He stayed asleep. In my shopping cart, on a dog bed. In Target.
I grabbed the food and put it underneath. I stood there for a moment laughing. I took a picture. I thought, "I am so blogging about this" and I waited.
HE STAYED ASLEEP!
So like any smart momma I started shopping. People gave me funny looks, they couldn't decide if I was the smartest woman alive or if they should call CPS on me. 30 minutes later, he awoke, in a rage at the injustice of being dragged to Target after such a long day at daycare.
We checked out, we headed home but I couldnt stop giggling at the thought of my monster conked out, in a shopping cart, on a dog bed, in Target.
Always,
Without further ado, the shopping cart story.
It started like any other evening...I picked up Max from daycare and headed home. And then I remembered that I had to feed my dog cheerios the night before because we were out of dog food.
NO LIE on the cheerios...Deuce loved them.
Anyways, I changed my route and headed to Target, Max strapped into his carseat behind me. I peeked back and him and he was O-U-T. In case you weren't aware Max is NOT a sleeper. He prefers to live his life playing, eating, and playing some more until he crashes into a self induced traumatic meltdown that concludes with a brief catnap. Just enough to refresh for a few more hours of play, eat, play.
Normally, I would forgo the lure of Target. But really, my 70 pound chocolate lab cannot continue to live on cheerios. I had to get dog food! As I pulled into the parking lot I cursed my plight as a military mommy. If Rob were home I could give him a call and ask him to pick up the dog food, or I could head home and drop off the baby and go to Target alone, or I could run out later after Max was in bed and Rob hung out playing WOW. So many options not available to this military mommy.
As I pulled Max out of his carseat, he stayed asleep. This is abnormal for the King of Catnaps but whatever. I walked into the store and got a basket, all the while holding my 25 pound monster in one arm. My forearm ached as I headed to the back of the store. And then I reached the pet aisle and looked back and forth from my child, to my cart, to the 30 pound bag of dog food I was buying. Crap!
Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea. I spotted the dog beds, they sure looked comfy. I wonder...if I put this here little dog bed in my cart and ever so gently laid down my child I could at least grab the dog food before he awoke in a rage at the injustice of being dragged to Target after such a long day at daycare.
I slipped the dog bed into the cart. I smushed it down. I ever so gently laid my sleeping child onto the bed, holding my breath for just a few moments of quiet to grab the food and run.
He stayed asleep. In my shopping cart, on a dog bed. In Target.
I grabbed the food and put it underneath. I stood there for a moment laughing. I took a picture. I thought, "I am so blogging about this" and I waited.
HE STAYED ASLEEP!
So like any smart momma I started shopping. People gave me funny looks, they couldn't decide if I was the smartest woman alive or if they should call CPS on me. 30 minutes later, he awoke, in a rage at the injustice of being dragged to Target after such a long day at daycare.
We checked out, we headed home but I couldnt stop giggling at the thought of my monster conked out, in a shopping cart, on a dog bed, in Target.
Always,
Monday, November 3, 2008
The Holidays
I can’t believe it is already November! Where does time fly?
Since we already reached the November calendar in my planner, and the leaves are turning here, and Wal Mart and Lowe’s and the parking lot down the street already have up Christmas displays, I figured it was time we talk about the Holidays.
The Holidays alone.
Gulp. Not a very fun Monday topic. Ugggg, the Holidays are such a tricky thing. We love to celebrate and at Christmas have VERY good reason to. But it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach the fact that your spouse is 1000’s of miles away from you. It kinda makes you want to shout Bah Humbug from your rooftop right?
Rob missed several Holidays when he was deployed last year. Namely Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary and several others that didn’t really seem to matter. We were incredibly lucky that he was here for Christmas and New Years, the 4th of July, and got home just in time for Max’s birthday.
I don’t take it for granted that we had him home during those big holidays. Because there are families all around me that do not have their loved ones home. They missed the big birthday, and they will miss Christmas too. And that sucks. It just plain stinks.
What helped me get through the holidays, the days when everyone around me celebrated and my heart was missing a piece of itself was to stop and be thankful. Stop and remember to be so grateful for having a brave and loyal husband. Thankful that he was safe. That another day had passed and we were 24 hours closer to the end. Thankful that I had an amazing family. So grateful for my healthy child. So thankful that we have a house, a roof, two cars, a dog, and more than we need. So grateful for my God who walked beside me in my loneliness, who carried me when I couldn’t take another step.
It is so easy, and so justified to wallow in a heap of self pity when the Holidays hit home and your loved one is deployed. So take a deep breath, let the tears out, pray, and remember to be thankful. To be utterly cliché, count your blessings and walk through another day. Tomorrow the holiday is over, and you are 24 hours closer to home.
Always,
Jesi
“I tell you the truth; you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” John 16:20
Since we already reached the November calendar in my planner, and the leaves are turning here, and Wal Mart and Lowe’s and the parking lot down the street already have up Christmas displays, I figured it was time we talk about the Holidays.
The Holidays alone.
Gulp. Not a very fun Monday topic. Ugggg, the Holidays are such a tricky thing. We love to celebrate and at Christmas have VERY good reason to. But it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach the fact that your spouse is 1000’s of miles away from you. It kinda makes you want to shout Bah Humbug from your rooftop right?
Rob missed several Holidays when he was deployed last year. Namely Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary and several others that didn’t really seem to matter. We were incredibly lucky that he was here for Christmas and New Years, the 4th of July, and got home just in time for Max’s birthday.
I don’t take it for granted that we had him home during those big holidays. Because there are families all around me that do not have their loved ones home. They missed the big birthday, and they will miss Christmas too. And that sucks. It just plain stinks.
What helped me get through the holidays, the days when everyone around me celebrated and my heart was missing a piece of itself was to stop and be thankful. Stop and remember to be so grateful for having a brave and loyal husband. Thankful that he was safe. That another day had passed and we were 24 hours closer to the end. Thankful that I had an amazing family. So grateful for my healthy child. So thankful that we have a house, a roof, two cars, a dog, and more than we need. So grateful for my God who walked beside me in my loneliness, who carried me when I couldn’t take another step.
It is so easy, and so justified to wallow in a heap of self pity when the Holidays hit home and your loved one is deployed. So take a deep breath, let the tears out, pray, and remember to be thankful. To be utterly cliché, count your blessings and walk through another day. Tomorrow the holiday is over, and you are 24 hours closer to home.
Always,
Jesi
“I tell you the truth; you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” John 16:20
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Harder than grocery shopping
What is harder than grocery shopping alone?
Sick babies.
Ugg, I hate when Max is sick. And sick he is this week. You can check out my awesome math skills over on my personal blog (click on my profile to get there) In the middle of the night when Rob fetched the meds and took the early morning shift I was so so thankful to have him home.
If you have a sick baby and your husband is deployed, chances are A) You end up crying in the recliner B) You get sick yourself C) You curse your plight as a Military Mommy with a deployed husband D) All of the above
Even though the sick days are so, so, so hard they do present us with another opportunity to rely more fully on our God. When Max came down with hand, foot and mouth and was up EVERY HOUR, I distinctly remember sitting in his nursery, crying my eyes out to God, begging for Him to show me why we had to go through such adversity, crying out to feel Him near me.
And I did, feel Him near me. He was so, so, so close to me in those moments. Even when the darkness and sick days threaten to overtake you, draw close to Him. He is right there waiting for you. Sitting with you. Wiping your tears. Loving you. Protecting you. Holding your sick child.
Ergh, sick days are tough. I wish you very few this flu season. And today, I just want you to know that I am praying for your husbands, your babies, and you. Leave a comment so I can spend some time praying for your family.
And Thank you. Thank you for every sick night when you sacrifice the help of your husband so that mine can be home for a time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Always,
Jesi
Sick babies.
Ugg, I hate when Max is sick. And sick he is this week. You can check out my awesome math skills over on my personal blog (click on my profile to get there) In the middle of the night when Rob fetched the meds and took the early morning shift I was so so thankful to have him home.
If you have a sick baby and your husband is deployed, chances are A) You end up crying in the recliner B) You get sick yourself C) You curse your plight as a Military Mommy with a deployed husband D) All of the above
Even though the sick days are so, so, so hard they do present us with another opportunity to rely more fully on our God. When Max came down with hand, foot and mouth and was up EVERY HOUR, I distinctly remember sitting in his nursery, crying my eyes out to God, begging for Him to show me why we had to go through such adversity, crying out to feel Him near me.
And I did, feel Him near me. He was so, so, so close to me in those moments. Even when the darkness and sick days threaten to overtake you, draw close to Him. He is right there waiting for you. Sitting with you. Wiping your tears. Loving you. Protecting you. Holding your sick child.
Ergh, sick days are tough. I wish you very few this flu season. And today, I just want you to know that I am praying for your husbands, your babies, and you. Leave a comment so I can spend some time praying for your family.
And Thank you. Thank you for every sick night when you sacrifice the help of your husband so that mine can be home for a time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Always,
Jesi
Monday, October 27, 2008
Grocery Shopping aka My Least Favorite thing in the world
As I was perusing my favorite blogs, I came across a post that chastised us Americans for complaining about grocery shopping. After all, there are millions of people starving across the world, living in true poverty, and we have the audacity to complain about walking the overflowing aisles of our local air conditioned grocery store.
And while I totally and completely understood the point, I had to disagree. Yes, I understand how incredibly lucky we have it as Americans. I am not taking away anything from the thousands of people who would do anything to shop in a grocery store BUT as a military mommy, I detest and utterly despise grocery shopping.
Let’s just say that dragging along your child who is in a catatonic and overtired state of mind after 8 hours at daycare to the local Target is no fun trip. When said child conks out in the backseat after you finally make it out of the store alive, all is great...until you get home, to an empty house, and you try to figure out how to juggle sleeping baby tiger and bag upon bag of grocery items.
Do you let the Weight Watchers ice creams bars melt as you deal with the screeching baby, or do you try to juggle both, or do you turn off the car, close the garage door, open the car doors, and run back and forth like a mad woman, dumping grocery bags in the entryway, allowing yourself 3-4 minutes of unloading before you unbuckle the sleeping dragon that is your tired 10 month old?
Why are the simplest things so dang hard when you are doing it alone? Grocery shopping as a military mommy quickly became my least favorite thing in the world....that is until the dog bed story, but that’s another story for another day.
What’s your least favorite everyday task in the world as a military mommy?
Always,
Jesi
And while I totally and completely understood the point, I had to disagree. Yes, I understand how incredibly lucky we have it as Americans. I am not taking away anything from the thousands of people who would do anything to shop in a grocery store BUT as a military mommy, I detest and utterly despise grocery shopping.
Let’s just say that dragging along your child who is in a catatonic and overtired state of mind after 8 hours at daycare to the local Target is no fun trip. When said child conks out in the backseat after you finally make it out of the store alive, all is great...until you get home, to an empty house, and you try to figure out how to juggle sleeping baby tiger and bag upon bag of grocery items.
Do you let the Weight Watchers ice creams bars melt as you deal with the screeching baby, or do you try to juggle both, or do you turn off the car, close the garage door, open the car doors, and run back and forth like a mad woman, dumping grocery bags in the entryway, allowing yourself 3-4 minutes of unloading before you unbuckle the sleeping dragon that is your tired 10 month old?
Why are the simplest things so dang hard when you are doing it alone? Grocery shopping as a military mommy quickly became my least favorite thing in the world....that is until the dog bed story, but that’s another story for another day.
What’s your least favorite everyday task in the world as a military mommy?
Always,
Jesi
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Fear
So, we are 4 days in now. Four days into Rob actually being home with us. For good! And not just for a temporary R&R.
It's been wonderful and scary. Wonderful in all the moments where everything feels right. And scary when we think about everything we have gone through. Rob is doing well with readjusting...but even doing well there is still just that. Readjustment.
Some of the things that he is dealing with are trouble sleeping, trouble falling asleep, loss of memory and concentration and being easily irritable. I haven't seen any signs of the easily irritability part, and for that I am so thankful.
Just these few, very normal symptoms of readjustment made me think about what happens when soldiers return with true and severe PTSD. Post Tramautic Stress Disorder is a very serious condition and many of our soldiers are returning with symptoms ranging from those above, to serious withdrawal from familes, spouses and even themselves. Sometimes the normal world just seems too much to cope with.
Just in Rob's very normal readjustment, I feel a tad bit overwhelmed. I want everything to be fine, I want him to be happy and healthy and completely home. Rob has always had an uncanny ability to switch off and on between his civilian life and his military life. So this subtle readjustment is a bit scary. I know in my head that it has to be a lot, to come home to a rambunctious one year old and a crazy wife. But in my heart I just want everything to be normal.
The best thing is that I recognize this as another opportunity. If Rob had a completely perfect homecoming and reintegration, how could I empathize with the wife who deals with a husband who seems completely different, ravaged by the mind game that is PTSD. I know that we will be fine, that Rob is being honest with me and talking me through how he is feeling about everything and I am so grateful for that. Talking is one of the best things that could be happening right now. And he has no trouble expressing his love and appreciation to me and Max and that is a true gift. So I know that God is showing me just glimpses of what the other wife feels like, when she can't reach inside her husbands head and heart and bring him back to what he was.
Just another opportunity to learn about what it truly means to be a military wife and mommy...to learn about the sacrifices we risk, to learn about God's safety when we are fearful.
If you or someone you know is dealing with a soldier with PTSD there is valuable information at this link, http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp Remember, this is not your fault. Nothing that you did or didn't do CAUSED this. Cling to the hand of your heavenly Father when you are fearful. Pray for healing for your husband, believe in God's word over his life. And seek support and help from the plethora of resources out there for you and your soldier. Normal reintegration and PTSD are nothing to be ashamed of.
Always,
Jesi
Psalm 27:3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear.
It's been wonderful and scary. Wonderful in all the moments where everything feels right. And scary when we think about everything we have gone through. Rob is doing well with readjusting...but even doing well there is still just that. Readjustment.
Some of the things that he is dealing with are trouble sleeping, trouble falling asleep, loss of memory and concentration and being easily irritable. I haven't seen any signs of the easily irritability part, and for that I am so thankful.
Just these few, very normal symptoms of readjustment made me think about what happens when soldiers return with true and severe PTSD. Post Tramautic Stress Disorder is a very serious condition and many of our soldiers are returning with symptoms ranging from those above, to serious withdrawal from familes, spouses and even themselves. Sometimes the normal world just seems too much to cope with.
Just in Rob's very normal readjustment, I feel a tad bit overwhelmed. I want everything to be fine, I want him to be happy and healthy and completely home. Rob has always had an uncanny ability to switch off and on between his civilian life and his military life. So this subtle readjustment is a bit scary. I know in my head that it has to be a lot, to come home to a rambunctious one year old and a crazy wife. But in my heart I just want everything to be normal.
The best thing is that I recognize this as another opportunity. If Rob had a completely perfect homecoming and reintegration, how could I empathize with the wife who deals with a husband who seems completely different, ravaged by the mind game that is PTSD. I know that we will be fine, that Rob is being honest with me and talking me through how he is feeling about everything and I am so grateful for that. Talking is one of the best things that could be happening right now. And he has no trouble expressing his love and appreciation to me and Max and that is a true gift. So I know that God is showing me just glimpses of what the other wife feels like, when she can't reach inside her husbands head and heart and bring him back to what he was.
Just another opportunity to learn about what it truly means to be a military wife and mommy...to learn about the sacrifices we risk, to learn about God's safety when we are fearful.
If you or someone you know is dealing with a soldier with PTSD there is valuable information at this link, http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp Remember, this is not your fault. Nothing that you did or didn't do CAUSED this. Cling to the hand of your heavenly Father when you are fearful. Pray for healing for your husband, believe in God's word over his life. And seek support and help from the plethora of resources out there for you and your soldier. Normal reintegration and PTSD are nothing to be ashamed of.
Always,
Jesi
Psalm 27:3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Opportunity
When you found out your husband was being deployed, what was your reaction?
Fear, Anger, Frustration, Sadness, Panic, Worry, Stress?
Sound familiar? Probably...I felt all of those emotions and more when I found out that Rob was being deployed. Some emotions that I didnt feel...excitement, promise, joy. Duh! I was not excited for Rob to be gone the first year of Max's life. I felt no promise of what was to come when I realized I would be a temporary pseudo single mom. There was no joy in knowing I couldn't touch my husbands face or breathe in his heady scent for months on end.
But there was an opportunity. An opportunity to test what I am made of, to see how strong I was, when I clung desperately to Him. To realize how weak I was when I tried to do it all on my own. To figure out how much I love my husband and how valuable he is to our lives. To understand how painful it was for God to sacrifice His son, to understand what that sacrifice really meant when I felt my love for Max radiate through my entire being.
I never saw our deployment as an opportunity but it has been. It has been an opportunity to love, to live, to find myself in this sea of chaos that we call motherhood and life and faith.
I can only wish for you the same. When you wake up tomorrow, take a deep breath and try with all your might to see your challenges and adversity as an opportunity. It might just change your whole life, it happened to me.
Always,
Fear, Anger, Frustration, Sadness, Panic, Worry, Stress?
Sound familiar? Probably...I felt all of those emotions and more when I found out that Rob was being deployed. Some emotions that I didnt feel...excitement, promise, joy. Duh! I was not excited for Rob to be gone the first year of Max's life. I felt no promise of what was to come when I realized I would be a temporary pseudo single mom. There was no joy in knowing I couldn't touch my husbands face or breathe in his heady scent for months on end.
But there was an opportunity. An opportunity to test what I am made of, to see how strong I was, when I clung desperately to Him. To realize how weak I was when I tried to do it all on my own. To figure out how much I love my husband and how valuable he is to our lives. To understand how painful it was for God to sacrifice His son, to understand what that sacrifice really meant when I felt my love for Max radiate through my entire being.
I never saw our deployment as an opportunity but it has been. It has been an opportunity to love, to live, to find myself in this sea of chaos that we call motherhood and life and faith.
I can only wish for you the same. When you wake up tomorrow, take a deep breath and try with all your might to see your challenges and adversity as an opportunity. It might just change your whole life, it happened to me.
Always,
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