It's Robs favorite saying.
Thursday night, after an arduous decision process that included me acting like a meany head for more than a few moments, Rob decided NOT to go to the Moore Police Department tryout.
To be honest, I was disappointed that he didn't go give it a shot. But he was firm in feeling like it wasn't the right job or the right time. His current company has offered him a raise and a 6AM-3PM schedule. He is very focused on completing his degree and after spending so much time away from us he isn't too keen on jumping into a new and very crazy schedule just yet.
Being the loverly wife that I am I gave up the fight and decided to do what God wants me to do.
Trust my husband, trust his leadership for our family and believe that God will provide for us in the way that He knows best.
Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers! We still needed them and we still do!
Much Love and Happy Pre-Thanksgiving!
Always,
Jesi
Showing posts with label Readjustment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Readjustment. Show all posts
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Hanging On
Wow, I never knew how much I was hanging on to all things earthly until this little job scare entered our picture. It seems that I cannot stop being a stressful, obsessed freakazoid at the thought of drastically reworking our budget. I thought that I had given God control over our finances, after all we tithe, even when we are already on a tight budget, Rob and I have firmly believed in the power of tithing and things have always worked out for us.
We have been tremendously blessed in the area of finances. We have always had enough money to live prosperous American lives and go out to eat when we want to. So tightening up has been a lesson in what is truly important. Switching to an all cash budget, a la Dave Ramsey, has been scary and freeing at the same time. The first time I took my debit card out of my wallet I got a little nervous. After all, I am the anti cash girl. I never have Cash! Could I really make it on $25 spending money a week? Cash Only?
YES! To record, I still have $15 and some change and I get a new allowance on Friday so I am pretty proud of myself.
This morning, as I laid in bed, watching my husband snooze and feeling a warm little body in between us I started making it work in my head. Does it really matter if Max doesn't get to go to the absolute best daycare that is super close to our house? No, not really. There is a great daycare down the street from my work that is spoken really highly of, and it is much cheaper. Do I need the nice car with leather seats and a sunroof? Not really, I could always get a cheaper car, as long as it gets from A to B, isn't that the point anyways? Do we need 5 million movie channels? Definitely not? Do we ever use our home phone? Barely ever! Could I rearrange some things for a year or so, so that Rob can finish school? Definitely. Do I NEED a $25 pedicure? Do I NEED to eat out after church? Do I NEED expensive snack bars?
No, No, No. Evaluating what I could really do without, and seeing everything I would still have laying next to me in a warm bed, in a nice house, with a full pantry, food in my refrigerator and $15 and some change in my purse I realized that we can always make it. We will always make it, God will always provide for us. Even in the tough times, even when I do without the movie channels, the pedicure and the lunch out after church.
God is still God, today, yesterday and tomorrow and He will always be faithful. Always,
Jesi
" Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. " (Matthew 6:26)
We have been tremendously blessed in the area of finances. We have always had enough money to live prosperous American lives and go out to eat when we want to. So tightening up has been a lesson in what is truly important. Switching to an all cash budget, a la Dave Ramsey, has been scary and freeing at the same time. The first time I took my debit card out of my wallet I got a little nervous. After all, I am the anti cash girl. I never have Cash! Could I really make it on $25 spending money a week? Cash Only?
YES! To record, I still have $15 and some change and I get a new allowance on Friday so I am pretty proud of myself.
This morning, as I laid in bed, watching my husband snooze and feeling a warm little body in between us I started making it work in my head. Does it really matter if Max doesn't get to go to the absolute best daycare that is super close to our house? No, not really. There is a great daycare down the street from my work that is spoken really highly of, and it is much cheaper. Do I need the nice car with leather seats and a sunroof? Not really, I could always get a cheaper car, as long as it gets from A to B, isn't that the point anyways? Do we need 5 million movie channels? Definitely not? Do we ever use our home phone? Barely ever! Could I rearrange some things for a year or so, so that Rob can finish school? Definitely. Do I NEED a $25 pedicure? Do I NEED to eat out after church? Do I NEED expensive snack bars?
No, No, No. Evaluating what I could really do without, and seeing everything I would still have laying next to me in a warm bed, in a nice house, with a full pantry, food in my refrigerator and $15 and some change in my purse I realized that we can always make it. We will always make it, God will always provide for us. Even in the tough times, even when I do without the movie channels, the pedicure and the lunch out after church.
God is still God, today, yesterday and tomorrow and He will always be faithful. Always,
Jesi
" Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. " (Matthew 6:26)
Monday, November 10, 2008
The Storms never stop
Sometimes it becomes easy to find your identity in a season. I fully admit that I found a certain identity in myself as I survived our last deployment. I clung more closely to the life of a military wife, a military mommy because that is what I was living. Day in and day out, I breathed it, wrote it, cried it, barely survived it, praised through it, prayed my face off and made it through.
So when our deployment ended I knew that my mindset would change. That I would make an unconscious shift back to just living day by day. Working, breathing, living. I wrote about it last time. And this weekend, sitting in church I was reminded that I love my God. Love Him more than anything else.
But even in the seasons of joy, the storms are never stopped. There is someone out there, unworthy of my words, who seeks to kill and destroy us. To scare us into a submission that causes us to run, to flee from our God. He uses the challenges of life, of the economy, of our world to frighten us into a fearful mindset where we are ravaged by the storms.
It's storming in Oklahoma. The wind is whipping through the trees, the rain is pouring down and the water is rising. The storm is taking over the beauty of fall. And I feel every second of it in my soul. Even when we are still in celebration mode, when I can still look over at Rob, in awe that he is still here, the storms are starting to rage. Rob was SUPPOSED to have a 10 month military order that put him working at the armory. And making near the same amount of money. And we found out last week that it is gone. No longer available. Over before it started.
So where does that leave us? In the start of a small storm, praying, tithing and BELIEVING that God will provide. I debated even sharing it with anyone, wanting to stand so strong in my faith that I would just wait for the praise report and then tell everyone around us how good our God is. But I decided that being on the receiving end of your prayers *again* was not such a bad thing.
I admit, my heart was getting battered by the start of this storm. My creativity and brain spinning the surge much farther than it has even gone. And I was stopped firmly in the midst of my meltdown by first my husband, who assured me that everything would work out, and my God, who reminded me that He was still here, today, tomorrow, always the same, always protecting me, always looking out for us, always spinning the universe in perfect working order and that HE could handle this storm just fine.
So pray for us please. Before the storm takes over my mindset again, and I find myself sitting in the rain.
Always,
Jesi
So when our deployment ended I knew that my mindset would change. That I would make an unconscious shift back to just living day by day. Working, breathing, living. I wrote about it last time. And this weekend, sitting in church I was reminded that I love my God. Love Him more than anything else.
But even in the seasons of joy, the storms are never stopped. There is someone out there, unworthy of my words, who seeks to kill and destroy us. To scare us into a submission that causes us to run, to flee from our God. He uses the challenges of life, of the economy, of our world to frighten us into a fearful mindset where we are ravaged by the storms.
It's storming in Oklahoma. The wind is whipping through the trees, the rain is pouring down and the water is rising. The storm is taking over the beauty of fall. And I feel every second of it in my soul. Even when we are still in celebration mode, when I can still look over at Rob, in awe that he is still here, the storms are starting to rage. Rob was SUPPOSED to have a 10 month military order that put him working at the armory. And making near the same amount of money. And we found out last week that it is gone. No longer available. Over before it started.
So where does that leave us? In the start of a small storm, praying, tithing and BELIEVING that God will provide. I debated even sharing it with anyone, wanting to stand so strong in my faith that I would just wait for the praise report and then tell everyone around us how good our God is. But I decided that being on the receiving end of your prayers *again* was not such a bad thing.
I admit, my heart was getting battered by the start of this storm. My creativity and brain spinning the surge much farther than it has even gone. And I was stopped firmly in the midst of my meltdown by first my husband, who assured me that everything would work out, and my God, who reminded me that He was still here, today, tomorrow, always the same, always protecting me, always looking out for us, always spinning the universe in perfect working order and that HE could handle this storm just fine.
So pray for us please. Before the storm takes over my mindset again, and I find myself sitting in the rain.
Always,
Jesi
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Life Takes Over
When I am running around getting ready in the morning and I never pray...Life takes over. I smile at Rob as he helps me, packing the bags, making me lunch, kissing me goodbye through the car window. Waking up before he has to. Life takes over.
When I get in the car and I think about everything I have to do. I drop off Max, I avoid him crying as I leave. I get to work, rushing in a few minutes late. I check my emails, check the blogs, and check my favorite websites. I reply to customers, I check voicemails; I deal with crazy brides who make me want to pull my hair out.
Life Takes Over.
I leave as soon as I can. I relish in Max seeing me as I pick him up. I kiss his face and hug him tight, I pack his bags and we head home. Or to church, or to BABES, or to dinner with family or friends...but mostly home and Life takes over.
We eat, we play, and we take a bath. We see each other, we laugh, and we do the things that families do in the weeknights of fall. We take our family walk/jog. We retire to the couch, or the computer, or the video game, or to each other.
My life is taking over my time with God. Again. Haven’t I been here many times before? Stumbled away one slow step, one slow fade from brilliant to tarnished? One small choice of how I spend my time, what I do, who I am, who I want to be.
Life takes over so easily. I love my life, oh how I love every moment in those days. I love seeing my husbands face in the morning. I love hugging my sweet baby before the morning light awakens us. I love running around like a crazy woman, taking on way too much but relishing in the frenetic energy my crazy life creates.
Even though I love it all, I love my God more.
God Take Over.
When I get in the car and I think about everything I have to do. I drop off Max, I avoid him crying as I leave. I get to work, rushing in a few minutes late. I check my emails, check the blogs, and check my favorite websites. I reply to customers, I check voicemails; I deal with crazy brides who make me want to pull my hair out.
Life Takes Over.
I leave as soon as I can. I relish in Max seeing me as I pick him up. I kiss his face and hug him tight, I pack his bags and we head home. Or to church, or to BABES, or to dinner with family or friends...but mostly home and Life takes over.
We eat, we play, and we take a bath. We see each other, we laugh, and we do the things that families do in the weeknights of fall. We take our family walk/jog. We retire to the couch, or the computer, or the video game, or to each other.
My life is taking over my time with God. Again. Haven’t I been here many times before? Stumbled away one slow step, one slow fade from brilliant to tarnished? One small choice of how I spend my time, what I do, who I am, who I want to be.
Life takes over so easily. I love my life, oh how I love every moment in those days. I love seeing my husbands face in the morning. I love hugging my sweet baby before the morning light awakens us. I love running around like a crazy woman, taking on way too much but relishing in the frenetic energy my crazy life creates.
Even though I love it all, I love my God more.
God Take Over.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Fear
So, we are 4 days in now. Four days into Rob actually being home with us. For good! And not just for a temporary R&R.
It's been wonderful and scary. Wonderful in all the moments where everything feels right. And scary when we think about everything we have gone through. Rob is doing well with readjusting...but even doing well there is still just that. Readjustment.
Some of the things that he is dealing with are trouble sleeping, trouble falling asleep, loss of memory and concentration and being easily irritable. I haven't seen any signs of the easily irritability part, and for that I am so thankful.
Just these few, very normal symptoms of readjustment made me think about what happens when soldiers return with true and severe PTSD. Post Tramautic Stress Disorder is a very serious condition and many of our soldiers are returning with symptoms ranging from those above, to serious withdrawal from familes, spouses and even themselves. Sometimes the normal world just seems too much to cope with.
Just in Rob's very normal readjustment, I feel a tad bit overwhelmed. I want everything to be fine, I want him to be happy and healthy and completely home. Rob has always had an uncanny ability to switch off and on between his civilian life and his military life. So this subtle readjustment is a bit scary. I know in my head that it has to be a lot, to come home to a rambunctious one year old and a crazy wife. But in my heart I just want everything to be normal.
The best thing is that I recognize this as another opportunity. If Rob had a completely perfect homecoming and reintegration, how could I empathize with the wife who deals with a husband who seems completely different, ravaged by the mind game that is PTSD. I know that we will be fine, that Rob is being honest with me and talking me through how he is feeling about everything and I am so grateful for that. Talking is one of the best things that could be happening right now. And he has no trouble expressing his love and appreciation to me and Max and that is a true gift. So I know that God is showing me just glimpses of what the other wife feels like, when she can't reach inside her husbands head and heart and bring him back to what he was.
Just another opportunity to learn about what it truly means to be a military wife and mommy...to learn about the sacrifices we risk, to learn about God's safety when we are fearful.
If you or someone you know is dealing with a soldier with PTSD there is valuable information at this link, http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp Remember, this is not your fault. Nothing that you did or didn't do CAUSED this. Cling to the hand of your heavenly Father when you are fearful. Pray for healing for your husband, believe in God's word over his life. And seek support and help from the plethora of resources out there for you and your soldier. Normal reintegration and PTSD are nothing to be ashamed of.
Always,
Jesi
Psalm 27:3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear.
It's been wonderful and scary. Wonderful in all the moments where everything feels right. And scary when we think about everything we have gone through. Rob is doing well with readjusting...but even doing well there is still just that. Readjustment.
Some of the things that he is dealing with are trouble sleeping, trouble falling asleep, loss of memory and concentration and being easily irritable. I haven't seen any signs of the easily irritability part, and for that I am so thankful.
Just these few, very normal symptoms of readjustment made me think about what happens when soldiers return with true and severe PTSD. Post Tramautic Stress Disorder is a very serious condition and many of our soldiers are returning with symptoms ranging from those above, to serious withdrawal from familes, spouses and even themselves. Sometimes the normal world just seems too much to cope with.
Just in Rob's very normal readjustment, I feel a tad bit overwhelmed. I want everything to be fine, I want him to be happy and healthy and completely home. Rob has always had an uncanny ability to switch off and on between his civilian life and his military life. So this subtle readjustment is a bit scary. I know in my head that it has to be a lot, to come home to a rambunctious one year old and a crazy wife. But in my heart I just want everything to be normal.
The best thing is that I recognize this as another opportunity. If Rob had a completely perfect homecoming and reintegration, how could I empathize with the wife who deals with a husband who seems completely different, ravaged by the mind game that is PTSD. I know that we will be fine, that Rob is being honest with me and talking me through how he is feeling about everything and I am so grateful for that. Talking is one of the best things that could be happening right now. And he has no trouble expressing his love and appreciation to me and Max and that is a true gift. So I know that God is showing me just glimpses of what the other wife feels like, when she can't reach inside her husbands head and heart and bring him back to what he was.
Just another opportunity to learn about what it truly means to be a military wife and mommy...to learn about the sacrifices we risk, to learn about God's safety when we are fearful.
If you or someone you know is dealing with a soldier with PTSD there is valuable information at this link, http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/ncmain/index.jsp Remember, this is not your fault. Nothing that you did or didn't do CAUSED this. Cling to the hand of your heavenly Father when you are fearful. Pray for healing for your husband, believe in God's word over his life. And seek support and help from the plethora of resources out there for you and your soldier. Normal reintegration and PTSD are nothing to be ashamed of.
Always,
Jesi
Psalm 27:3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The Finale
Well, I know my loyal secret readers are eagerly awaiting my Homecoming story so I came out of my reclusive fog to share a bit with you.
Monday morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn, after just a few hours sleep. Max and I decided that 5:30AM would do just fine; after all it was finally here. We were just hours from picking up Daddy!
Off we went, coffee in hand, my parents driving along, and multiple cameras in tow. I decided to wear a cute outfit, new jeans, and a favorite shirt. No dress for me, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around a dress and heels at the crack of dawn. We got to the college where we were supposed to wait, and wait we did.
Rob’s aunt, his sister and some of his friends made it too. All sitting, and waiting, and laughing at a sleepy Max as my stomach flipped flopped with the nerves that always show up. Finally we heard what we wanted to know, “your soldiers are on the other side of this wall” and the crowd erupted in cheers.
And in they marched, some full of pride and boasting as they waved and smiled, some marching in, just another day to them. Rob walked in finally, chewing gum and looking somber...my tired love. Tired of waiting, tired of travel and tired of dealing with inconsiderate guys who don’t understand how to process homecoming.
Tired and somber, doesn’t matter to me. He looked wonderful, in the uniform and boots that have graced his slimmer figure for months on end. We listened to lots of important reminders, announcements and some lovely accolades but I didn’t hear a thing. I craned and strained to see my love through the crowd, Max on my hip, sleepy from his early wake up call.
Finally, a call to attention and release to their families, a salute for a job well done and off they went. We crowded the floor, eager to see one another and remember how it feels to be together again. I caught Rob’s eye before I touched him. So I waited as we pushed through the sea of chaos and finally.
He was there, I was there, Max was there. A simple hug, a simple smile, a simple kiss. And a lot of pictures.
Hello again, you’re home. And it was wonderful.
I wish I could say the next few hours and days were filled with extraordinary moments but they weren’t. They were filled with tender embraces, laughter and normalcy, creeping back in minute by minute. We are in transition now. Remembering how to be together, reminding ourselves that this is our normal and figuring out how to function as three instead of two. So far, smooth sailing. But readjustment can be scary...because everything that should be the same has changed and things are different now. You have to learn what that means, and you realize that you are entering yet another, New Normal. We are on our way...to our new normal. Taking it day by day, remembering to embrace the changes and cherish the moments...the simplest and most mundane moments, in remembrance of what we lost and what we have to gain. And even in the moments where we question everything that has happened, are you really home? Is this temporary? Is it really over? The smallest whisper, “I love you and I am so glad to be home” makes everything perfect.
For we are on our way, taking it day by day.
Always,
Jesi
Monday morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn, after just a few hours sleep. Max and I decided that 5:30AM would do just fine; after all it was finally here. We were just hours from picking up Daddy!
Off we went, coffee in hand, my parents driving along, and multiple cameras in tow. I decided to wear a cute outfit, new jeans, and a favorite shirt. No dress for me, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around a dress and heels at the crack of dawn. We got to the college where we were supposed to wait, and wait we did.
Rob’s aunt, his sister and some of his friends made it too. All sitting, and waiting, and laughing at a sleepy Max as my stomach flipped flopped with the nerves that always show up. Finally we heard what we wanted to know, “your soldiers are on the other side of this wall” and the crowd erupted in cheers.
And in they marched, some full of pride and boasting as they waved and smiled, some marching in, just another day to them. Rob walked in finally, chewing gum and looking somber...my tired love. Tired of waiting, tired of travel and tired of dealing with inconsiderate guys who don’t understand how to process homecoming.
Tired and somber, doesn’t matter to me. He looked wonderful, in the uniform and boots that have graced his slimmer figure for months on end. We listened to lots of important reminders, announcements and some lovely accolades but I didn’t hear a thing. I craned and strained to see my love through the crowd, Max on my hip, sleepy from his early wake up call.
Finally, a call to attention and release to their families, a salute for a job well done and off they went. We crowded the floor, eager to see one another and remember how it feels to be together again. I caught Rob’s eye before I touched him. So I waited as we pushed through the sea of chaos and finally.
He was there, I was there, Max was there. A simple hug, a simple smile, a simple kiss. And a lot of pictures.
Hello again, you’re home. And it was wonderful.
I wish I could say the next few hours and days were filled with extraordinary moments but they weren’t. They were filled with tender embraces, laughter and normalcy, creeping back in minute by minute. We are in transition now. Remembering how to be together, reminding ourselves that this is our normal and figuring out how to function as three instead of two. So far, smooth sailing. But readjustment can be scary...because everything that should be the same has changed and things are different now. You have to learn what that means, and you realize that you are entering yet another, New Normal. We are on our way...to our new normal. Taking it day by day, remembering to embrace the changes and cherish the moments...the simplest and most mundane moments, in remembrance of what we lost and what we have to gain. And even in the moments where we question everything that has happened, are you really home? Is this temporary? Is it really over? The smallest whisper, “I love you and I am so glad to be home” makes everything perfect.
For we are on our way, taking it day by day.
Always,
Jesi
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