Never Say Never

A lesson I REALLY need to learn.

I love looking back and seeing how God can bring things full circle. There are so many times when I have said "never will I" and  God has said "oh really?"

When I was young I never understood stay at home moms. My own mom worked full time and did an awesome job being a mom and working. I didn't really understand WHY you would go to college, get your degree and then "just" stay home with kids. It flat out didn't make sense to me.

me as a working mom

After Max was born I understood why there were women that chose to be stay at home moms. But I never wanted to be one. It took a few years of listening, prayer, job changes and pressing into God to desire it for myself. It's not always easy and it's a financial sacrifice to live on 1.5 incomes but I truly feel it's where HE wanted me. I quit my job when we just had Max. Little did we know that just a short 2 years later we would have not 1 more child but 3 more children. God was lining out HIS plan before we ever knew what was gonna hit us! Never say Never.

working as a stay at home mom

Twins, twins, oh my sweet twins. I cannot tell you how many times I made joking but cutting remarks about twins! I would laugh and say "If I ever have twins I am giving one away!" Of course I meant it as a joke! Because I never in a million years imagined we would have twins. Never say Never.

would you give one of these sweet things away? Me either!

School, school, blessed School. I have NEVER wanted to homeschool. I have lots of friends who do an awesome job at it. Not me. I have several friends who are organized and involved and love it and the whole time I am thinking "that is really great for them but never for me"

Funny story...Max is one of the kids who will have to wait until he is practically SIX before kindergarten because of the birthday cutoff in our town. SIX! He is a smart cookie and we did 2 days per week of Mothers Day Out last year and treated it like preschool. This year because we suddenly have four kids they will only be going on Thursdays so I can go work at the dance studio. We don't have the $$$ to put him in a private preschool and most of them are absurd schedules anyways. I have no desire to pack up 4 small children to drop him off for 2 hours and then turn around and do it again. No thank you!

ready for school last year

So I picked up a bunch of pre-k workbooks and some writing tools so that we could start some preschool work at home. So the other morning I asked him if he wanted to do some school? "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOOOOOOOOL" Max is a homebody. He is very social and LOVES playing with other kids but he LOVES being at home. I reminded him we had school stuff at home. "HOMESCHOOL? YAY!" He yells. I busted out laughing. God loves to get me everytime. I would have the one kid who requests to be homeschooled.

can you believe this kid loves home?

No, I am not commiting to being a homeschooler. But we are going to do Preschool at Home this year. I just feel like Max is MORE than ready and needs to start doing SOME structured work in tracing, adding, sight words. My friend over at The Ruby Zebra is a GREAT homeschool mom so I plan to pick her brain a little since she did preschool last year with Ms.B. I stumbled across this preschool set up so that is what we are going to be doing for the year amongst lots of play and lots of babies! Max is pretty convinced he is a Rockstar and I love that it is very scripture focused so I think it will be a good match for some "school" with Mama and Max. If I only do preschool with all four of our kids that is still FOUR kids that can get good use out of some planning and directed activities.

Little stuff, Big Stuff.

I will  never...I would never...that's not for me. God can't, God won't, God would never. God CAN, God WILL, God MIGHT! Over time God can change your heart and your mind to new things! Never say Never!

Always,
Jesi~not ready to call myself a homeschooler~haha

Ya Gotta Love Beth Moore

I have always wanted to be good at journaling. But I'm not. I start and then I stop and then I lose the journal. And then I find it 2 years later and throw it away. I am drawn to cute notebooks and stationary but then it just takes up space in our already cluttered house.

When we first brought home the twins every day was a challenge. I would wake up in the morning and I felt like I had to mentally plan out my battle plan of surviving 4 small children. I needed a pick me up, a morning OOMPH to get me going and I knew what I really needed was Gods Word. So I started looking for a good morning devotional but nothing really caught my eye.

I stumbled upon this devotional and I instantly thought it would be a good match. It's a devotional and journal in one which is exactly what I was looking for. The devotions are just 2 pages but insightful and thought provoking. They include scripture and point you to areas to read in your own Bible. It was perfect. Lo and behold it was written by the southern queen of bible study Ms. Beth Moore. Ya Gotta Love Beth Moore!

It's been a few weeks and I am really enjoying it. Its based on her book Get Out of That Pit and really focuses on Psalms 40. I love that it really emphasizes how God will provide for us and that our struggles are not in vain.

Most importantly it is biblically sound and its the perfect way to start your day as a busy mama.

Always,
Jesi

Decade

It's officially been over a decade since Rob and I met. Here are some of the highlights from the past ten years...

2000-Junior Year-dating DH, did our first Army seperation-10 weeks long, taught dance


2001-Sr. Year-got lots of scholarships-graduated HS taught dance


2002-in college having fun, taught dance at VSA, worked 3 jobs


2003-DH deployed to Afghanistan served as President of my sorority, taught dance-VSA




2004-DH deployed to Afghanistan served as President of my sorority, DH came home and proposed in November taught dance at VSA



2005-Rob's grandmother passes in January, graduated with BA in Marketing in May, unemployed 3 months, got "dream" job, got married in September, started job day after honeymoon, quit teaching dance



2006-promoted to GM/Lead Event Coordinator-worked myself into exhaustion, Kera Don got married and Savanah got married.







2007-got pg with Max in Jan, found out in March/April that DH would deploy around my due date, had Max, DH deployed to Iraq 10 days later, Julie got married











2008-survived deployment, had spiritual renewal/awakening, started writing my book, DH came home, started TS business





2009-quit job, promoted 3 times with TS, started working PT at VSA, sah with Max got pg with Stella, Max turns 2!











It's been quite the decade! Next post up, hopes and dreams for the next ten years.
Love,
Jesi

Worn Out

Exhausted, Tired, Just Plain Worn Out

Let's get a little perspective on last week...
Saturday-TS Party, stayed too late, had lots of fun
Sunday-TS Party, stayed awhile, had lots of fun, came home tired
Monday-got up before baby (wha?), woke him, took Max to allergy testing
Monday-AM-Cursed Allergies, discovered that Max is allergic to EVERYTHING except food
Monday-cursed weather as we got a lovely winter storm with black ice
Brought home baby, filled with meds, lazed around the house in comfies
Monday night-BABES was cancelled due to weather, dangit, needed that inspiration, lost two pounds, can I keep it off this week
Tuesday-Daycare is closed, split day with Rob, morning with crazy baby, afternoon with crazy work
Tuesday-Noon-went to work, discovered that I don't understand why I work at my job, cried, got over it, complained, came home
Tuesday night-ahhh relaxation, cannot sleep, have to be at work by 5:30, bad roads, tossed and turned for all 5 hours
Wednesday-Woke up at 4:30AM, GAG. Got to work at 5:30AM, worked too long, felt slightly better about work
Thursday-got up before baby again (wha?) took Max to school (open, thank ya Jesus) got ready for work trip (WHY)
Thursday-drove to Dallas, got Gap jeans on sale, arrived, had lots of sushi and asian food, yum...wine and sake too. tired.
Sat in 3 hour meeting, discussing goals, challenges and areas where I need help. Help...not fun, meeting went well.
Tired-got ready with Bambi and Juicy, teased B's hair into Dallas hair, laughed a lot, good times
Thursday Night-Went to Dinner at the famous Nobu...decided against more Asian, had a very small portion of yummy short ribs, waited for ever as everyone else finished 7 courses of Asian, stole food from Juicy, danced at the table, laughed with Charlies Angels
Went to bed TOO late
Friday-Got up too early. Went to SPA. Thank you Owner for this treat. Rubbed all over with hot stones. Yum.
Breakfast, lunch planned-ASIAN. GAG. No more asian food.
Got lost in Dallas, went to Central Market=Heaven, rushed home in traffic
Friday Night-TS Party, girls drinking lots of sangria. Funny, Stayed too late, had lots of fun. TIRED.
Saturday Morning-Got up early with baby, give Rob a break for being a single parent this week. Cuddle Max, missed him A LOT. Went to Classen for Chinese New Year, the MIL and SIL wanted....ASIAN FOOD. GAG. No more asian food!!!!!
Saturday Night-TS Party, stayed WAY too late, had LOTS of fun!
Sunday-Woke up early, slept on couch. Finally got around, went to work, early. Sat through a repeat 3 hour managers meeting. Felt better about my job, for now. Coworkers wanted to go out to lunch, they wanted...ASIAN FOOD. NO THANK YOU.
Went home, ate lunch (mexican, thank you Jesus!), took Baby (give Rob another break from singleparenthood) to Target, it's packed and they are sold out of Velveeta (wha?)Eavesdropped, found 2 boxes of Mexican Velveeta, snagged it and ran out.
Sunday Night-Enjoyed dinner, clean house and the Superbowl. Laughed too hard with Codie.
Fell asleep, early, finally, felt the warmth of Rob, thankful for my snoozing baby across the house. Warm dog on feet.
Tired, exhausted, worn out.

I need some BABES, some Jesus and a good ol fashioned BREAK.
Always,
Jesi

Open Windows

Open Windows

You know the saying...when God shuts a door, He opens a window.

I am sitting here feeling the breeze of open windows.

I fully admit worrying about paying our mortgage and making it work seriously sent me into panic mode. But for today, I feel the breeze of windows He is opening and I am at peace.

We will make it through, somehow, someway. I stopped the other day and thought two things.
1) As I laid in bed evaluating what things we would cut from the budget I never considered cutting out our tithes. THAT is a good thing. Because I don’t want to start to imagine the hole we would dig if we started being stingy with the money we are given on loan from our Father.
2) After I realized (1) I thought about how much money we tithe and what bills might be paid with that money instead. Nahhh...so not going down that road.

But the other night, my amazing friend Summer told me that Rob should work for the railroad. The funny thing is that she just called it the railroad. So when I relayed the story, I just called it the railroad too. Apparently if you have police or military experience you can provide security for the “railroad” and make a lot of money and get your babies covered at 100%! Summer works for an OBGYN, thus the baby coverage part of this story.

Now Rob and I laughed and then promptly googled “police and security railroad jobs” Ok, that is what HE googled...I googled “working for the railroad”

We didn’t find much on the railroad, not really our window. What we did do was open up JobsOK.com and start looking around. Did you know that those mall security guys get paid squat? You probably already knew that.

What I did notice was a listing from the Moore Police Department. Hiring. Now some of you may know that Rob is in school for a Police Science degree...so he skipped over it. After all he is still IN SCHOOL. But I made him go back. We opened it, no details. Please go to the City of Moore website. Tab Open, City of Moore. And we read that they are hiring, for several positions, that in order to interview you need to show up on Thursday, November 20th for a 1.5 mile run, a sprint, and a physical test. If you pass the physical test, you will pay $15 for the written test. Benefits, salary, college tuition reimbursement....etc. etc. etc, only 30 hours of college credit required. Guess who has over 30 hours of college credit?

The moral of the story? Maybe God shut a door for us so He could open this window, a job that Rob actually wants to do, allowing him to start his career, finish school, feel financially and personally satisfied....maybe.

I covet your prayers over this, a million times more than when you prayed for my job opportunity (you know when God slammed the door, Ouch) There is something about praying for my husband that makes me fervent in seeking Him.

So pray for Rob, as he prepares over the next week. And tests next Thursday. And puts himself out on the line for something he would really love. And for me too, as I sit in the breeze of an open window, remembering to remind myself to remember that God is ALWAYS faithful.
Always,
Jesi

Hanging On

Wow, I never knew how much I was hanging on to all things earthly until this little job scare entered our picture. It seems that I cannot stop being a stressful, obsessed freakazoid at the thought of drastically reworking our budget. I thought that I had given God control over our finances, after all we tithe, even when we are already on a tight budget, Rob and I have firmly believed in the power of tithing and things have always worked out for us.

We have been tremendously blessed in the area of finances. We have always had enough money to live prosperous American lives and go out to eat when we want to. So tightening up has been a lesson in what is truly important. Switching to an all cash budget, a la Dave Ramsey, has been scary and freeing at the same time. The first time I took my debit card out of my wallet I got a little nervous. After all, I am the anti cash girl. I never have Cash! Could I really make it on $25 spending money a week? Cash Only?

YES! To record, I still have $15 and some change and I get a new allowance on Friday so I am pretty proud of myself.

This morning, as I laid in bed, watching my husband snooze and feeling a warm little body in between us I started making it work in my head. Does it really matter if Max doesn't get to go to the absolute best daycare that is super close to our house? No, not really. There is a great daycare down the street from my work that is spoken really highly of, and it is much cheaper. Do I need the nice car with leather seats and a sunroof? Not really, I could always get a cheaper car, as long as it gets from A to B, isn't that the point anyways? Do we need 5 million movie channels? Definitely not? Do we ever use our home phone? Barely ever! Could I rearrange some things for a year or so, so that Rob can finish school? Definitely. Do I NEED a $25 pedicure? Do I NEED to eat out after church? Do I NEED expensive snack bars?

No, No, No. Evaluating what I could really do without, and seeing everything I would still have laying next to me in a warm bed, in a nice house, with a full pantry, food in my refrigerator and $15 and some change in my purse I realized that we can always make it. We will always make it, God will always provide for us. Even in the tough times, even when I do without the movie channels, the pedicure and the lunch out after church.

God is still God, today, yesterday and tomorrow and He will always be faithful. Always,
Jesi
" Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. " (Matthew 6:26)

The Storms never stop

Sometimes it becomes easy to find your identity in a season. I fully admit that I found a certain identity in myself as I survived our last deployment. I clung more closely to the life of a military wife, a military mommy because that is what I was living. Day in and day out, I breathed it, wrote it, cried it, barely survived it, praised through it, prayed my face off and made it through.

So when our deployment ended I knew that my mindset would change. That I would make an unconscious shift back to just living day by day. Working, breathing, living. I wrote about it last time. And this weekend, sitting in church I was reminded that I love my God. Love Him more than anything else.

But even in the seasons of joy, the storms are never stopped. There is someone out there, unworthy of my words, who seeks to kill and destroy us. To scare us into a submission that causes us to run, to flee from our God. He uses the challenges of life, of the economy, of our world to frighten us into a fearful mindset where we are ravaged by the storms.

It's storming in Oklahoma. The wind is whipping through the trees, the rain is pouring down and the water is rising. The storm is taking over the beauty of fall. And I feel every second of it in my soul. Even when we are still in celebration mode, when I can still look over at Rob, in awe that he is still here, the storms are starting to rage. Rob was SUPPOSED to have a 10 month military order that put him working at the armory. And making near the same amount of money. And we found out last week that it is gone. No longer available. Over before it started.

So where does that leave us? In the start of a small storm, praying, tithing and BELIEVING that God will provide. I debated even sharing it with anyone, wanting to stand so strong in my faith that I would just wait for the praise report and then tell everyone around us how good our God is. But I decided that being on the receiving end of your prayers *again* was not such a bad thing.

I admit, my heart was getting battered by the start of this storm. My creativity and brain spinning the surge much farther than it has even gone. And I was stopped firmly in the midst of my meltdown by first my husband, who assured me that everything would work out, and my God, who reminded me that He was still here, today, tomorrow, always the same, always protecting me, always looking out for us, always spinning the universe in perfect working order and that HE could handle this storm just fine.

So pray for us please. Before the storm takes over my mindset again, and I find myself sitting in the rain.
Always,
Jesi

Life Takes Over

When I am running around getting ready in the morning and I never pray...Life takes over. I smile at Rob as he helps me, packing the bags, making me lunch, kissing me goodbye through the car window. Waking up before he has to. Life takes over.

When I get in the car and I think about everything I have to do. I drop off Max, I avoid him crying as I leave. I get to work, rushing in a few minutes late. I check my emails, check the blogs, and check my favorite websites. I reply to customers, I check voicemails; I deal with crazy brides who make me want to pull my hair out.

Life Takes Over.

I leave as soon as I can. I relish in Max seeing me as I pick him up. I kiss his face and hug him tight, I pack his bags and we head home. Or to church, or to BABES, or to dinner with family or friends...but mostly home and Life takes over.

We eat, we play, and we take a bath. We see each other, we laugh, and we do the things that families do in the weeknights of fall. We take our family walk/jog. We retire to the couch, or the computer, or the video game, or to each other.

My life is taking over my time with God. Again. Haven’t I been here many times before? Stumbled away one slow step, one slow fade from brilliant to tarnished? One small choice of how I spend my time, what I do, who I am, who I want to be.

Life takes over so easily. I love my life, oh how I love every moment in those days. I love seeing my husbands face in the morning. I love hugging my sweet baby before the morning light awakens us. I love running around like a crazy woman, taking on way too much but relishing in the frenetic energy my crazy life creates.

Even though I love it all, I love my God more.

God Take Over.

Britney

I heard a song this morning on KLOVE that really made me stop and think...an artist named Bebo Norman had a moment when he was watching the news and the train wreck we have all seen happening with Britney Spears. In a moment, when she was being taken to the mental hospital for evaluation, he saw a look of utter desperation, loneliness, sadness and confusion cross her face.

And in that moment, instead of seeing her as another train wreck celebrity, he saw her as she really is, a very lost and lonely little girl, looking for love in all the wrong places.

Even though she had everything money could buy, and all the success in the world, she was left broken and hurting. Alone and confused by what was happening to her.

Our culture loves to build people up and then watch them fall. Something about our flesh encourages the idolatry of people and the inner pleasure we get when they fall from grace. It’s a tragic example of our human flesh.

Hearing that song just reminded me AGAIN to see others with the eyes of Christ. Hurting, lonely, confused, broken people, looking for love in all the wrong places. They surround all of us, in every aspect of our daily life. At work, at church, at the local coffee shop.

There are people hurting everywhere and I just feel so incredibly blessed to know that even when the world hurts, even when I have to stop and catch my breath from the pain that is inflicted upon each of us, that I have the love of a savior who is watching over me, never leaving me in that dark and lonely place.
So blessed....
Always,
Jesi

Max's Birthday Party

I feel so out of touch having not blogged in several days...truth be told, I haven't even gotten to read many of my favorite blogs this week and that is blasphemy to me!

But I knew October was going to be a killer, from the Breast Cancer Walk, my BF's baby shower, Rob coming home, Max's Birthday and Party, the Beautiful Womens conference at Victory Church, UCO Homecoming, Pancake Palooza Breakfast and Founders Day, and the Taste of Western my head is spinning, spinning, and spinning some more.

So once the chaos calms a bit I will post pictures from Max's Birthday party. Till then, Happy Chaotic Wednesday!
Always,
Jesi

Ideas

Sometimes I wonder why God wired my brain in such an artsy fartsy way...I like to blame my dual personalities and moods on being a Gemini...but I don’t believe in horoscopes so that is out.

Then I like to ponder if it is related to my youth as an only child. After all, without the surrounding of rambunctious siblings I learned to play pretend, make up extravagant imaginary stories and entertain myself for hours.

And it never bothered me. Although I love the 7 brothers that have been gifted to me through my parent’s remarriages, I never minded it either way. Plunk me in a sibling circle or alone in my room and I could get along just fine.

I know that God hardwired my brain with every ounce of ideaism and creativity for His purpose and in case you are new here, I still have no idea what that means. But I’m learning.

It’s funny because our pastors wife said the same thing at the Beautiful Conference the other day...she is so creative that her mind can take her in a million directions, even very far down the path of just one idea before she even blinks again. For her it became a testimony of the power of her thoughts, when she had to learn to turn off the creativity when it started to spin into dark, negative thoughts about the what if’s in life.

For me, it has become a daily practice in discerning what is merely a passing thought or a little bling! wand touch on the head with an idea. Like last night, when I picked up cupcakes for Max’s birthday, and thought about how we don’t have any cupcake stores in Edmond or the OKC metro area (a la Sprinkles for you big city folks) and how I could start a business making cupcakes! Surely it would be successful, and minutes later I had named it, decorated my storefront and had a list running through my mind of all the cute cupcakes I could make and sell...I even dreamed about it last night!

My poor husband gets the bulk of these ideas thrown at him...the best thing is he thinks I could succeed at any of them. He just wants me to pick one and actually do it!

Where does this crazy brain come from? God. Why did he wire me to be so free flowing, creative, crazy, and dream oriented? Not sure yet.

But it’s sure fun to dream...and I’ll let you know when I open my cupcake store.
Always,
Jesi

Girlfriends

Ohhhhhh how I love my girlfriends. I love them almost as much as the crisp fall air that is finally coming my way. Ok, really I love them more than that.

I am a girlfriend type of girl. I always listened to other girls talk about how they got along better with boys and they hated girls. Really? Not me, I will take a pretty smelling, nice talking, encouraging, girlfriend over a smelly boy any day.

In middle school, I had a close knit group of girlfriends. I marvel at how we stayed friends when we were so mean to each other at times! And we made each other pass out and call boys that we didn’t even like that much. And I took some of them to high school with me.

In high school I had a pretty large group of girlfriends. And varied we were, by the end of our four years we had taken pretty different paths. We were growing apart but we loved each other nonetheless. In fact we loved each other enough to do a yearbook page together, now that is love.

In college, I took some of those same girlfriends with me. I pledged Delta Zeta with one of my best friends and then convinced my bestie amongst all besties that she had to do it too. She did. And I can’t imagine my college years without her. Sadly, most, but not all of those high school friendships melted and cooled as new bonds of sisterhood were born in dirty houses and late night terrorizing trips to the fraternity houses. We laughed, we loved, we cried, we fought, we screamed at each other and we always made up with tearful hugs at turtle talks. (Don’t ask)

I loved those girls that surrounded me those four years. And I still love them. More than the cool crisp autumn air that blows around me. They are a life blood that keeps me laughing and young, crying, celebrating and mourning together as life forces us from college girls worried about homecoming games to adults worried about life. We hold tightly together in our brief moments together.

I love my girlfriends and I am so thankful to have them in my life. I can’t imagine my life only surrounded by smelly boys. And Lord knows I will probably have all boys in my house. I need my nice smelling, lovely, beautiful, brave, smart, challenging, real girlfriends. They make my heart fuller. My cup runneth over.

Always,

Mentoring

I have never considered myself a mentor because I always feel like I am being mentored by women much smarter and put together than myself. I am being mentored and I have a mutual mentorship with my accountability partner but I haven't consider myself a mentor.

God is really revealing this to be untrue. In recent days I have been a mentor to someone older than me and many younger than me. He has used mistakes of my past to mentor to young women who might make those same silly mistakes. He has used me to influence hurting people. He has revealed that there are younger women who are watching me stealthily, who see me as a mentor.

It’s been enlightening and scary at the same time. What a responsibility to know that they are watching me, my actions and my reactions. Gulp.

But the best thing that I can offer these women in mentorship is honesty. I don’t have it all together (you know that, you read my blog!) I make mistakes daily. I have ignored God in the past, and sometimes even in the present. I sin. I fail. But everything comes back to His Grace.

If that is the only thing they ever glean from watching me I would be satisfied.
Always,

When God Says No

Don't you love it when God says No.

Ok, probably not. We all love when God says Yes. Yes, your marriage can be restored. Yes, your child is healed. Yes, you are loved. Yes, you are saved by grace. Yes, I forgive you. Yes, child, Yes.

But the no's can be somewhat tougher to handle.

No, I cannot reveal my plan just yet. No, you will not get this job. or the next one. No, you will not have a child. No, you will not live until an old age. No, your life will not be easy. No, child, No.

This morning I took something from Max that he didnt need to play with. He cried. He sobbed, He threw a little tantrum and kicked his feet at me. He slumped down on the ground and would not come to me when I reached for him. But I did not give it back. He didn't need it and he could have hurt himself with it. I knew better than him as his parent. But that didn't stop the tantrum.

And in that moment I saw myself. How often does God say No and we throw a temper tantrum? We kick our feet, run away when He reaches out to us and we slump on the ground in despair at our fate.

But He knows better as our parent, that we don't need that "thing" and that we might have gotten hurt.

I'm not claiming to have this all figured out folks. I still woke up at 4 AM, unable to sleep, alternately listening to the whispers from each shoulder.

You should have
No, child, No
You could have
No, child, No
Maybe if I
No, child, No
Maybe next time
No, child, No

I prayed over and over and over again that I would be me in my interviews. And if that wasn't what they wanted and it wasn't His will that the door would shut.

It slammed.

No, child, No

I am looking for the plan, seeking the purpose, when I can look back and say, "I understand Lord"
Yes, child, Yes
Always,

Disappointment

I didn't get the job

And it stings, just a bit

And my eyes are a bit clouded

But I KNOW and I DECLARE that God has a specific plan, purpose and destiny for my life to glorify HIS purpose.

And every step has been guided and every experience has been teaching me.

And I am ready.

And HE will come through, HE will reveal it, In HIS Time

Because He always does

ALWAYS

Realization

Do you ever have those moments where you come to a crossroads and you know it is time to make some tough decisions. I always feel a sense of realization when I get to those spots.

Recently I have had a few of those moments. I have realized that I have to make some decisions about my time, my future and my commitments. And they aren't always fun decisions.

I also realized a long time ago that I am an innate people pleaser. I like for people to be pleased with me, my work, my leadership, my decisions, my life. In fact it happened just this morning. I received a simple pat on the back and I felt better, no GOOD because I had pleased a person.

But I don't really want to be a people pleaser. I want to be a GOD pleaser. And sometimes that means making hard decisions. Decisions that other people dont understand. They believe in me so much that they think, no they KNOW that I can do it. And I probably can. But I don't want to. And I truly do not think it fits into God's purpose for my life. So I hate to not please people but I have to do what is right for God, for me, for my family. I have to make my decisions that are pleasing to God, not to others. I have to find my worth from His pat on my back.

I want to hear the words, "well done, good and faithful servant" and that means living a life designed with a purpose that pleases God. I want to say Yes to Him and No to Others. I want to see what happens when I let Him take over and make decisions based on His revelations to me.

So I am. I am making decisions about my time, my commitments and my life that other people may not understand. They may not be pleased with me. But I'm ok with that, I am recovering from my addiction to people pleasing and becoming who I really am.
Always,

The Best of Me

“Don’t let them get the best of you”

Guilty as charged. Those lost people I was talking about last time…I let them. I let them get the best of me yesterday.

And last night after the dramatics ceased I caught up on some of my favorite blogs and the tension started melting. Until I actually looked at our dog and noticed that he was coated in red Oklahoma mud, dried to his chocolaty coat. Did I want to give D a bath at 11PM last night? Strangely yes.

So off we went. And the mud was washed away, he leaned into the attention of the wash and I stared into his pretty face.

When bath time was over he zoomed around our living room at the speed of light, energized by his lovely oatmeal and vanilla scent. And the baby screamed.

Now normally, I ignore my booger and he goes back to sleep within minutes. By nine months of age I figured it was bout time he figured out how to sleep at night.

But this night I wanted to see him. It’s been too busy lately and Max has been shuffled about from daycare to Granny’s to nursery at church. So I went to him and he snuffled into my chest and conked back out, D at my feet finishing the bath by licking his paws noisily.

As I sat in the darkness of Max’s cool nursery I was reminded of my moment, months ago, when God caught my attention and spoke whispers in my ear. He encouraged me to be thankful for adversity and to allow these challenges to draw me ever closer to Him. And in return He promised to bring me a destiny greater than I could even imagine. Reminded of that moment I reflected on the insanity of my day. And that is when I realized. I had allowed the lost to get the very best of me. The best of my passion, fervor and intensity, wasted on petty moments.

As I snuggled my growing boy and tapped D repeatedly to lick more quietly I knew that I didn’t want to give my best to those unworthy of it.

I want my best to go to God
To Rob
To Max
To My Family
And
To My Purpose

Everyone else can have a piece of me…but not the best.
The best is saved for the special ones, who make up my list.
Moving on this morning, I did what was unthinkable yesterday. I prayed for them. I prayed blessings and honor, riches and successes and I prayed that they would realize even with everything of the world, it means nothing without Christ.

And when I opened my Bible, I was gifted by God. In return for my earnest prayers, he gave me the gift of Proverbs 16. It spoke to me in fullness and renewed my spirit.

When you have one of those days where you give away “the best of you” open up the book and read it. I promise it will bring you revelation.

Always,

“It is better to be patient than powerful; it is better to have self control than to conquer a city. We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall” Proverbs 16:32-33
(Seriously though, go read the entire thing, it is amazing)
P.S. Second Interview was rescheduled due to an emergency staff meeting, check back next week for the results
92% Done with the Stinkin Deployment! Wahoo!

Ahhh my favorite quote

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciouslygive other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates others."

Never fails to make me feel great...

SECOND INTERVIEW IS THURSDAY MORNING! THANK YOU JESUS!

Self Sabotage

Don’t we all do it?

As I continue learning more about the issues that I have with food and with life I have to say that we all participate in forms of self sabotage, most of us do it unknowingly and regularly.

When we want to spend time in the Word and we leave our Bible in the car or at work.

When we want to eat healthy but we buy unhealthy trigger foods.

When we want to work out but we pack our schedule so full of other things that it can’t possibly fit into our day.

When we want a better relationship with our spouse and we grumble about inconsequential matters.

When we make a decision and then we falter.

When we see our successes as temporary and we still have a back up plan in case we fail.

When we do the exact opposite of what we want most.

Why do we participate in such negative acts toward our own self development? Why do we drag ourselves down? Why do we doubt ourselves more than others?

Are you more critical of yourself than you would EVER be of your best friend or your husband?

Maybe you are participating in self sabotage…food for thought.

I definitely have my moments. And what I am learning, more and more everyday is that I have to take an active approach in setting myself up for success. I am responsible for my own motivation. I am the one who doubts myself more than my God, more than my husband, more than my family. I am the one responsible for those tiny acts of self sabotage that add up to tremendous shortcomings.

And I’m not gonna stand for it anymore.
Always,
Jesi
For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate
Romans 7:15