"I feel unworthy"
As I cried out these words to my mom last week I could hear her mother heart breaking through the phone, "Don't say that" she said. But I had to, I had to verbalize the tumultuous feelings inside me, swirling around in the darkness of my heart.
In all of the years that I have struggled with my weight I have never felt unworthy.
I don’t know why this struck me this time. But I felt like a failure for trying, trying, trying and never reaching the goal.
I felt unworthy of the love that surrounds me. I questioned why God had blessed me. I questioned why my family loved me so much. I questioned why my husband loves me so much. I wondered if I was worthy of His love, his love, my sons love.
Why did unworthiness plague my spirit so?
I am not sure yet. I know that there came a moment where I decided to live my life in Christ, for real, all out, dedication and self discipline and devotion all rolled into two weeks of joy from the Lord.
And then the attacks started.
I fully believe in spiritual attacks. I fully believe the enemy whispers in your ear, sinks his talons into your mind, spirit and heart. And I fully believe in the power of prayer to rebuke those same attackers.
So I am praying. I am surrendering to His Love, his love and my sons love and realizing that no matter what area I struggle with, if I fall asleep before I open my Bible, if I gossip when I shouldn’t, if I gain a pound or two along this journey of losing weight, if I fail, if I blunder, if I mess up really bad, He still loves me.
He still loves me.
And He found me worthy enough to send his son, Jesus Christ to live on earth and die a painful and humiliating death just to save my soul, JUST TO SAVE ME.
And there is NO GREATER WORTH THAN THAT.
85% done with this stinking deployment!
8 weeks left!
5 Days of Following the Plan
3.4 pounds lost, 63.6 to go
But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7
(I am studying David right now and this was in my first days reading)