The Masks We Wear

I’m reading a really good book right now called Behind Those Eyes by author Lisa Whittle. You can find her blog here.

The book is supposed to address “what’s really happening in the souls of women” and let me tell you, it’s a doozy. From Ms. Perfection to Ms. Happiness to the most challenging of all, Ms. Spirituality, it takes the first chapter, The Truth Hurts to really lay it out for you.

We as women, hide behind so many different masks. We have learned from society, church, and definitely the military to put on our masks to cover an inner pain but even more so our inner beauty.

Page after page rang true for me. I saw myself written in her words, and stopped to wonder how she had gotten it so right, so on target, right in the inner depth of the struggle that every woman goes through on a daily, hourly, even minute by minute basis.

Do I cover up my feelings to avoid being hurt? Do I cover up what I really think to fit in with the crowd? Do I cover up the tears with a mask covered in the finest makeup, the makeup that thinly veils what I’m really feeling?

I know that when my husband was deployed I didn’t want to feel the hurt and the pain of being alone. I learned to use my masks with the best of the best of them. I could cover up the heartache of deployment with my most matter of fact explanation. “Yes, my husbands deployed, To Iraq, he left when our son was 10 days old, he should be back around his first birthday” Nonchalant conversations that pierced my soul nonetheless.

As you walk through another day dealing with this life of deployment, of being a military mommy, I encourage you to take off your mask for a moment. Experience the pain, the healing, and the raw vulnerability of really getting real.

Tomorrow, from the book, The Truth Heals. But for today, what mask have you been wearing lately?
Always,
Jesi

Identity

Have you hidden yourself inside the identity of being an Army wife, a military mommy?

Boy did I ever! During this deployment I clung so tightly to the ideals, to what my husband was fighting for, the reason we were sacrificing of ourselves.

I watched Army Wives every Sunday (even when it got silly and outrageous) I talked to other Army wives and military mommys, I read books, started writing my own and connected with my inner warrior. You know the one, the one who gives you the strength to make it just one more day.

Being an Army wife and a military mommy became a part of my identity. It became a part of who I was. I had to explain over and over again that my husband was deployed. That he left when Max was 10 days old. That he would be home by Max's first birthday. That I didn't neccesarily disagree with the war. That I did disagree with those who made the troops feel opposed and unsupported.

Despite the tears, the sleepless nights, the fear, the worry and the hardest days, being an Army wife and military mommy has shaped the woman that I am today. And for that, I am thankful.

How has this crazy ride shaped your identity?
Always,
Jesi

Opportunity

When you found out your husband was being deployed, what was your reaction?

Fear, Anger, Frustration, Sadness, Panic, Worry, Stress?

Sound familiar? Probably...I felt all of those emotions and more when I found out that Rob was being deployed. Some emotions that I didnt feel...excitement, promise, joy. Duh! I was not excited for Rob to be gone the first year of Max's life. I felt no promise of what was to come when I realized I would be a temporary pseudo single mom. There was no joy in knowing I couldn't touch my husbands face or breathe in his heady scent for months on end.

But there was an opportunity. An opportunity to test what I am made of, to see how strong I was, when I clung desperately to Him. To realize how weak I was when I tried to do it all on my own. To figure out how much I love my husband and how valuable he is to our lives. To understand how painful it was for God to sacrifice His son, to understand what that sacrifice really meant when I felt my love for Max radiate through my entire being.

I never saw our deployment as an opportunity but it has been. It has been an opportunity to love, to live, to find myself in this sea of chaos that we call motherhood and life and faith.

I can only wish for you the same. When you wake up tomorrow, take a deep breath and try with all your might to see your challenges and adversity as an opportunity. It might just change your whole life, it happened to me.

Always,