He is Faithful

He is.

Recently I got such an awesome reminder of that. There was something that I had been struggling with for about a year and a half. I really really wanted Rob and I to join a Life Group. We had been invited to one with a friend of mine but I work on the night they have theirs. I was so sad because I really really enjoy all of the people in their group. But it just didn't work out. Then when we were close to having Stella it just wasn't a good time. We needed to spend that time focused on our relationship first and then worry about a small group later. Being pregnant with the twins and working and being a momma to M&S and being a husband to Rob took a lot out of me last year and our schedule was packed. There just wasn't a good time to commit to a weekly group.

On top of that Rob was hesitant. Rob is an amazing leader for our family but the idea of going to someones house, who we didn't know and "sharing" was intimidating. Heck I am the extrovert here and it intimidated me! Plus it seemed like every group met on Weds nights...the night I work at the dance studio.

All I have done for the past 3-4 months is pray about it. I say that's "all" but really isn't that "everything" Prayer works friends.

Then we entered a series at our church that was ALL about connecting. There was a LG connection event that I really wanted us to attend and Stella was sick.

The next week we sat through an entire service about HOW and WHY you should join a LG and what EXCUSES were preventing it.

Are you seeing the pattern here? God was slowly beating me over the head with a 2x4! Literally within the HOUR I got a text inviting us to check out a LG. OH I wanted to but I just knew they met on Weds. NOPE they meet on Thursdays and the campus across town offers childcare. FREE childcare.

I talked it over with Rob and we decided to give it a shot. I am SO thankful we did. We really enjoyed it and felt very comfortable. I am excited to get to know the other women better and for us to enjoy this weekly time as a couple.

He is FAITHFUL. Even when things don't come in our time, or things don't seem to be working out...eventually in HIS time HE WILL MOVE. He is faithful, all the time!

Always,
Jesi

Survival Mode

Back in the saddle againnnnnnnnnnnnnn....

It's Army time. Well the Army called and my amazing husband is spending some time finishing some needed trainings. God willing they will allow him to be promoted which would be a big blessing! Both to him and his dedication to his military service and financially as well.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, we are in survival mode. Well newborn + toddler = new routine, tired mama, postpartum emotional breakdowns survival mode. It's been a crazy two weeks since Stella joined our family and so far she has proven herself to be much easier than her big brother. And the thought of Rob leaving for training didn't really phase me too much. After all he will only be gone for a very short amount of time compared to our previous deployments. And he will be home super soon. And he got to spend more time with us before he left than he did when Max was born. And...it still hit me harder than I thought.

I know LOGICALLY that this is NOT a deployment. I know logically he will be home soon and not gone for a year and we don't have to worry about his safety or foreign countries or readjustment, but dang! It's still hard to be a momma to a VERY VERY energetic 2.5 year old and a 2 week old. It's a bit much to get out of bed 7 times in less than 7 hours. It's just a lot to take in and a lot of it is emotionally trying because I feel myself reliving the experience I had when Max was born and Rob DID deploy.

So survival mode is now in place. Just like when he left when Max was 10 days old and I had to escape the house everyday for my own sanity we are going to be doing the SAME thing, this time with two in tow. Expect a lot more posts in the coming weeks, its my own form of escapism to blog and it's a great way for Rob to stay inside my head when we are seperated by the miles.

Tomorrow's survival plan
~Shopping for craft supplies for a super cool GROUP project I am a part of
   (curtailed from todays plans by the wicked hail storm we had here!)
~Stopping by Mardel to pick up the book "Five in a Row" and to let Max play with the train table.
~On the homefront-dishes and putting away the clean laundry in preparation to DO the dirty laundry

Figuring it out!
Jesi

Worn Out

Exhausted, Tired, Just Plain Worn Out

Let's get a little perspective on last week...
Saturday-TS Party, stayed too late, had lots of fun
Sunday-TS Party, stayed awhile, had lots of fun, came home tired
Monday-got up before baby (wha?), woke him, took Max to allergy testing
Monday-AM-Cursed Allergies, discovered that Max is allergic to EVERYTHING except food
Monday-cursed weather as we got a lovely winter storm with black ice
Brought home baby, filled with meds, lazed around the house in comfies
Monday night-BABES was cancelled due to weather, dangit, needed that inspiration, lost two pounds, can I keep it off this week
Tuesday-Daycare is closed, split day with Rob, morning with crazy baby, afternoon with crazy work
Tuesday-Noon-went to work, discovered that I don't understand why I work at my job, cried, got over it, complained, came home
Tuesday night-ahhh relaxation, cannot sleep, have to be at work by 5:30, bad roads, tossed and turned for all 5 hours
Wednesday-Woke up at 4:30AM, GAG. Got to work at 5:30AM, worked too long, felt slightly better about work
Thursday-got up before baby again (wha?) took Max to school (open, thank ya Jesus) got ready for work trip (WHY)
Thursday-drove to Dallas, got Gap jeans on sale, arrived, had lots of sushi and asian food, yum...wine and sake too. tired.
Sat in 3 hour meeting, discussing goals, challenges and areas where I need help. Help...not fun, meeting went well.
Tired-got ready with Bambi and Juicy, teased B's hair into Dallas hair, laughed a lot, good times
Thursday Night-Went to Dinner at the famous Nobu...decided against more Asian, had a very small portion of yummy short ribs, waited for ever as everyone else finished 7 courses of Asian, stole food from Juicy, danced at the table, laughed with Charlies Angels
Went to bed TOO late
Friday-Got up too early. Went to SPA. Thank you Owner for this treat. Rubbed all over with hot stones. Yum.
Breakfast, lunch planned-ASIAN. GAG. No more asian food.
Got lost in Dallas, went to Central Market=Heaven, rushed home in traffic
Friday Night-TS Party, girls drinking lots of sangria. Funny, Stayed too late, had lots of fun. TIRED.
Saturday Morning-Got up early with baby, give Rob a break for being a single parent this week. Cuddle Max, missed him A LOT. Went to Classen for Chinese New Year, the MIL and SIL wanted....ASIAN FOOD. GAG. No more asian food!!!!!
Saturday Night-TS Party, stayed WAY too late, had LOTS of fun!
Sunday-Woke up early, slept on couch. Finally got around, went to work, early. Sat through a repeat 3 hour managers meeting. Felt better about my job, for now. Coworkers wanted to go out to lunch, they wanted...ASIAN FOOD. NO THANK YOU.
Went home, ate lunch (mexican, thank you Jesus!), took Baby (give Rob another break from singleparenthood) to Target, it's packed and they are sold out of Velveeta (wha?)Eavesdropped, found 2 boxes of Mexican Velveeta, snagged it and ran out.
Sunday Night-Enjoyed dinner, clean house and the Superbowl. Laughed too hard with Codie.
Fell asleep, early, finally, felt the warmth of Rob, thankful for my snoozing baby across the house. Warm dog on feet.
Tired, exhausted, worn out.

I need some BABES, some Jesus and a good ol fashioned BREAK.
Always,
Jesi

Everything Always Works Out

It's Robs favorite saying.

Thursday night, after an arduous decision process that included me acting like a meany head for more than a few moments, Rob decided NOT to go to the Moore Police Department tryout.

To be honest, I was disappointed that he didn't go give it a shot. But he was firm in feeling like it wasn't the right job or the right time. His current company has offered him a raise and a 6AM-3PM schedule. He is very focused on completing his degree and after spending so much time away from us he isn't too keen on jumping into a new and very crazy schedule just yet.

Being the loverly wife that I am I gave up the fight and decided to do what God wants me to do.

Trust my husband, trust his leadership for our family and believe that God will provide for us in the way that He knows best.

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers! We still needed them and we still do!
Much Love and Happy Pre-Thanksgiving!
Always,
Jesi

Open Windows

Open Windows

You know the saying...when God shuts a door, He opens a window.

I am sitting here feeling the breeze of open windows.

I fully admit worrying about paying our mortgage and making it work seriously sent me into panic mode. But for today, I feel the breeze of windows He is opening and I am at peace.

We will make it through, somehow, someway. I stopped the other day and thought two things.
1) As I laid in bed evaluating what things we would cut from the budget I never considered cutting out our tithes. THAT is a good thing. Because I don’t want to start to imagine the hole we would dig if we started being stingy with the money we are given on loan from our Father.
2) After I realized (1) I thought about how much money we tithe and what bills might be paid with that money instead. Nahhh...so not going down that road.

But the other night, my amazing friend Summer told me that Rob should work for the railroad. The funny thing is that she just called it the railroad. So when I relayed the story, I just called it the railroad too. Apparently if you have police or military experience you can provide security for the “railroad” and make a lot of money and get your babies covered at 100%! Summer works for an OBGYN, thus the baby coverage part of this story.

Now Rob and I laughed and then promptly googled “police and security railroad jobs” Ok, that is what HE googled...I googled “working for the railroad”

We didn’t find much on the railroad, not really our window. What we did do was open up JobsOK.com and start looking around. Did you know that those mall security guys get paid squat? You probably already knew that.

What I did notice was a listing from the Moore Police Department. Hiring. Now some of you may know that Rob is in school for a Police Science degree...so he skipped over it. After all he is still IN SCHOOL. But I made him go back. We opened it, no details. Please go to the City of Moore website. Tab Open, City of Moore. And we read that they are hiring, for several positions, that in order to interview you need to show up on Thursday, November 20th for a 1.5 mile run, a sprint, and a physical test. If you pass the physical test, you will pay $15 for the written test. Benefits, salary, college tuition reimbursement....etc. etc. etc, only 30 hours of college credit required. Guess who has over 30 hours of college credit?

The moral of the story? Maybe God shut a door for us so He could open this window, a job that Rob actually wants to do, allowing him to start his career, finish school, feel financially and personally satisfied....maybe.

I covet your prayers over this, a million times more than when you prayed for my job opportunity (you know when God slammed the door, Ouch) There is something about praying for my husband that makes me fervent in seeking Him.

So pray for Rob, as he prepares over the next week. And tests next Thursday. And puts himself out on the line for something he would really love. And for me too, as I sit in the breeze of an open window, remembering to remind myself to remember that God is ALWAYS faithful.
Always,
Jesi

Hanging On

Wow, I never knew how much I was hanging on to all things earthly until this little job scare entered our picture. It seems that I cannot stop being a stressful, obsessed freakazoid at the thought of drastically reworking our budget. I thought that I had given God control over our finances, after all we tithe, even when we are already on a tight budget, Rob and I have firmly believed in the power of tithing and things have always worked out for us.

We have been tremendously blessed in the area of finances. We have always had enough money to live prosperous American lives and go out to eat when we want to. So tightening up has been a lesson in what is truly important. Switching to an all cash budget, a la Dave Ramsey, has been scary and freeing at the same time. The first time I took my debit card out of my wallet I got a little nervous. After all, I am the anti cash girl. I never have Cash! Could I really make it on $25 spending money a week? Cash Only?

YES! To record, I still have $15 and some change and I get a new allowance on Friday so I am pretty proud of myself.

This morning, as I laid in bed, watching my husband snooze and feeling a warm little body in between us I started making it work in my head. Does it really matter if Max doesn't get to go to the absolute best daycare that is super close to our house? No, not really. There is a great daycare down the street from my work that is spoken really highly of, and it is much cheaper. Do I need the nice car with leather seats and a sunroof? Not really, I could always get a cheaper car, as long as it gets from A to B, isn't that the point anyways? Do we need 5 million movie channels? Definitely not? Do we ever use our home phone? Barely ever! Could I rearrange some things for a year or so, so that Rob can finish school? Definitely. Do I NEED a $25 pedicure? Do I NEED to eat out after church? Do I NEED expensive snack bars?

No, No, No. Evaluating what I could really do without, and seeing everything I would still have laying next to me in a warm bed, in a nice house, with a full pantry, food in my refrigerator and $15 and some change in my purse I realized that we can always make it. We will always make it, God will always provide for us. Even in the tough times, even when I do without the movie channels, the pedicure and the lunch out after church.

God is still God, today, yesterday and tomorrow and He will always be faithful. Always,
Jesi
" Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap, nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. " (Matthew 6:26)

The Storms never stop

Sometimes it becomes easy to find your identity in a season. I fully admit that I found a certain identity in myself as I survived our last deployment. I clung more closely to the life of a military wife, a military mommy because that is what I was living. Day in and day out, I breathed it, wrote it, cried it, barely survived it, praised through it, prayed my face off and made it through.

So when our deployment ended I knew that my mindset would change. That I would make an unconscious shift back to just living day by day. Working, breathing, living. I wrote about it last time. And this weekend, sitting in church I was reminded that I love my God. Love Him more than anything else.

But even in the seasons of joy, the storms are never stopped. There is someone out there, unworthy of my words, who seeks to kill and destroy us. To scare us into a submission that causes us to run, to flee from our God. He uses the challenges of life, of the economy, of our world to frighten us into a fearful mindset where we are ravaged by the storms.

It's storming in Oklahoma. The wind is whipping through the trees, the rain is pouring down and the water is rising. The storm is taking over the beauty of fall. And I feel every second of it in my soul. Even when we are still in celebration mode, when I can still look over at Rob, in awe that he is still here, the storms are starting to rage. Rob was SUPPOSED to have a 10 month military order that put him working at the armory. And making near the same amount of money. And we found out last week that it is gone. No longer available. Over before it started.

So where does that leave us? In the start of a small storm, praying, tithing and BELIEVING that God will provide. I debated even sharing it with anyone, wanting to stand so strong in my faith that I would just wait for the praise report and then tell everyone around us how good our God is. But I decided that being on the receiving end of your prayers *again* was not such a bad thing.

I admit, my heart was getting battered by the start of this storm. My creativity and brain spinning the surge much farther than it has even gone. And I was stopped firmly in the midst of my meltdown by first my husband, who assured me that everything would work out, and my God, who reminded me that He was still here, today, tomorrow, always the same, always protecting me, always looking out for us, always spinning the universe in perfect working order and that HE could handle this storm just fine.

So pray for us please. Before the storm takes over my mindset again, and I find myself sitting in the rain.
Always,
Jesi

You're So Blessed

I don't believe in Luck, because I do believe in God. I know that everything happens for a reason (even when I cannot see the reason and I spend hours crying in the darkness of my sons nursery)

But in the darkness of winter, when the nights turn black so early in the evening. And the seasons surround you with a snowy joy that threatens to overtake your sanity, it's hard to remember that you are NOT unlucky, that this life is not a curse, but that YOU ARE immensely blessed.

You are so blessed to have your Prince Charming. To know the feeling of a love that surpasses a distance, a challenge, and yes, even a deployment.
You are so blessed to have the joy of being a mother.
Of holding a healthy baby and knowing that you formed him (or her) in your womb.
You are so blessed to have a faith to hold on to.
So blessed to know our God.
You are so blessed to have a home to sleep in. A bed to keep you warm.
So blessed to make a meal to share with your children. Your family. Your friends.
You are so blessed to be married to man of strength. Of character. Brave, loving, caring, faithful.
So blessed to have your life.
Even the parts that make you cry in stores. Make you question why the holiday displays must be up already.
You are so blessed to celebrate this season.
Knowing that our Savior was born on Christmas Day, coming to save us.
So blessed to be saved.
So Blessed. So Blessed. So Blessed.

Counting the blessings. It's hard when your soul is threatened by the wintery darkness. Just try.
Always,
Jesi

Life Takes Over

When I am running around getting ready in the morning and I never pray...Life takes over. I smile at Rob as he helps me, packing the bags, making me lunch, kissing me goodbye through the car window. Waking up before he has to. Life takes over.

When I get in the car and I think about everything I have to do. I drop off Max, I avoid him crying as I leave. I get to work, rushing in a few minutes late. I check my emails, check the blogs, and check my favorite websites. I reply to customers, I check voicemails; I deal with crazy brides who make me want to pull my hair out.

Life Takes Over.

I leave as soon as I can. I relish in Max seeing me as I pick him up. I kiss his face and hug him tight, I pack his bags and we head home. Or to church, or to BABES, or to dinner with family or friends...but mostly home and Life takes over.

We eat, we play, and we take a bath. We see each other, we laugh, and we do the things that families do in the weeknights of fall. We take our family walk/jog. We retire to the couch, or the computer, or the video game, or to each other.

My life is taking over my time with God. Again. Haven’t I been here many times before? Stumbled away one slow step, one slow fade from brilliant to tarnished? One small choice of how I spend my time, what I do, who I am, who I want to be.

Life takes over so easily. I love my life, oh how I love every moment in those days. I love seeing my husbands face in the morning. I love hugging my sweet baby before the morning light awakens us. I love running around like a crazy woman, taking on way too much but relishing in the frenetic energy my crazy life creates.

Even though I love it all, I love my God more.

God Take Over.

I'd like to introduce you to my friend

I'd like to take today to introduce you to my friend, my sister in this crazy world that we call the Military, Jackie.

Check out her most recent post on her new blog, True Confessions of an Army Wife.

http://trueconfessionsofanarmywife.blogspot.com/

When I stumbled across another Army wife and military mommy on an internet forum earlier in the year I decided to take a moment and chat with this woman that I have never met.

Our stories were similiar, young baby boys, husbands gone, stong believers in Christ. We were destined to know each other, if only through the blogosphere. Even though we have never met, and maybe never will, I consider her a friend.

Jackie is the ultimate Military Wife. She sends her husband Aaron, homemade goodies and amazing care packages on a set schedule. She has carried her laptop around in case he can webcam. She is positive and sweet and loves her husband, despite the hard circumstances that the military has given her.

Beyond that, she is an amazing military mommy, my sister in Christ, an inspiration to me, and should be an inspiration to you too. She has it together and she is making it day by day, counting down the weeks, getting through the holidays, and raising a beautiful, healthy, strong, SuperBaby named Cayman.

If you don't already know Jackie from her blog, go check her out. I promise you will leave inspired by the courageous heart of another military wife and mommy, surviving this thing we call deployment. Kudos to Jackie, for all that she does!

Pray for her, Aaron and Cayman too.
Always,
Jesi

The Grocery Cart Story

After all that depressing talk about the Holidays, and the elections which are OVER by the way so enough media for the love of all things, I figured you needed a funny...

Without further ado, the shopping cart story.


It started like any other evening...I picked up Max from daycare and headed home. And then I remembered that I had to feed my dog cheerios the night before because we were out of dog food.

NO LIE on the cheerios...Deuce loved them.

Anyways, I changed my route and headed to Target, Max strapped into his carseat behind me. I peeked back and him and he was O-U-T. In case you weren't aware Max is NOT a sleeper. He prefers to live his life playing, eating, and playing some more until he crashes into a self induced traumatic meltdown that concludes with a brief catnap. Just enough to refresh for a few more hours of play, eat, play.

Normally, I would forgo the lure of Target. But really, my 70 pound chocolate lab cannot continue to live on cheerios. I had to get dog food! As I pulled into the parking lot I cursed my plight as a military mommy. If Rob were home I could give him a call and ask him to pick up the dog food, or I could head home and drop off the baby and go to Target alone, or I could run out later after Max was in bed and Rob hung out playing WOW. So many options not available to this military mommy.

As I pulled Max out of his carseat, he stayed asleep. This is abnormal for the King of Catnaps but whatever. I walked into the store and got a basket, all the while holding my 25 pound monster in one arm. My forearm ached as I headed to the back of the store. And then I reached the pet aisle and looked back and forth from my child, to my cart, to the 30 pound bag of dog food I was buying. Crap!

Suddenly, I had a brilliant idea. I spotted the dog beds, they sure looked comfy. I wonder...if I put this here little dog bed in my cart and ever so gently laid down my child I could at least grab the dog food before he awoke in a rage at the injustice of being dragged to Target after such a long day at daycare.

I slipped the dog bed into the cart. I smushed it down. I ever so gently laid my sleeping child onto the bed, holding my breath for just a few moments of quiet to grab the food and run.

He stayed asleep. In my shopping cart, on a dog bed. In Target.

I grabbed the food and put it underneath. I stood there for a moment laughing. I took a picture. I thought, "I am so blogging about this" and I waited.

HE STAYED ASLEEP!

So like any smart momma I started shopping. People gave me funny looks, they couldn't decide if I was the smartest woman alive or if they should call CPS on me. 30 minutes later, he awoke, in a rage at the injustice of being dragged to Target after such a long day at daycare.

We checked out, we headed home but I couldnt stop giggling at the thought of my monster conked out, in a shopping cart, on a dog bed, in Target.
Always,

The Holidays

I can’t believe it is already November! Where does time fly?

Since we already reached the November calendar in my planner, and the leaves are turning here, and Wal Mart and Lowe’s and the parking lot down the street already have up Christmas displays, I figured it was time we talk about the Holidays.

The Holidays alone.

Gulp. Not a very fun Monday topic. Ugggg, the Holidays are such a tricky thing. We love to celebrate and at Christmas have VERY good reason to. But it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach the fact that your spouse is 1000’s of miles away from you. It kinda makes you want to shout Bah Humbug from your rooftop right?

Rob missed several Holidays when he was deployed last year. Namely Thanksgiving, Valentines Day, his birthday, my birthday, our anniversary and several others that didn’t really seem to matter. We were incredibly lucky that he was here for Christmas and New Years, the 4th of July, and got home just in time for Max’s birthday.

I don’t take it for granted that we had him home during those big holidays. Because there are families all around me that do not have their loved ones home. They missed the big birthday, and they will miss Christmas too. And that sucks. It just plain stinks.

What helped me get through the holidays, the days when everyone around me celebrated and my heart was missing a piece of itself was to stop and be thankful. Stop and remember to be so grateful for having a brave and loyal husband. Thankful that he was safe. That another day had passed and we were 24 hours closer to the end. Thankful that I had an amazing family. So grateful for my healthy child. So thankful that we have a house, a roof, two cars, a dog, and more than we need. So grateful for my God who walked beside me in my loneliness, who carried me when I couldn’t take another step.

It is so easy, and so justified to wallow in a heap of self pity when the Holidays hit home and your loved one is deployed. So take a deep breath, let the tears out, pray, and remember to be thankful. To be utterly cliché, count your blessings and walk through another day. Tomorrow the holiday is over, and you are 24 hours closer to home.

Always,
Jesi
“I tell you the truth; you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy” John 16:20

Harder than grocery shopping

What is harder than grocery shopping alone?

Sick babies.

Ugg, I hate when Max is sick. And sick he is this week. You can check out my awesome math skills over on my personal blog (click on my profile to get there) In the middle of the night when Rob fetched the meds and took the early morning shift I was so so thankful to have him home.

If you have a sick baby and your husband is deployed, chances are A) You end up crying in the recliner B) You get sick yourself C) You curse your plight as a Military Mommy with a deployed husband D) All of the above

Even though the sick days are so, so, so hard they do present us with another opportunity to rely more fully on our God. When Max came down with hand, foot and mouth and was up EVERY HOUR, I distinctly remember sitting in his nursery, crying my eyes out to God, begging for Him to show me why we had to go through such adversity, crying out to feel Him near me.

And I did, feel Him near me. He was so, so, so close to me in those moments. Even when the darkness and sick days threaten to overtake you, draw close to Him. He is right there waiting for you. Sitting with you. Wiping your tears. Loving you. Protecting you. Holding your sick child.

Ergh, sick days are tough. I wish you very few this flu season. And today, I just want you to know that I am praying for your husbands, your babies, and you. Leave a comment so I can spend some time praying for your family.
And Thank you. Thank you for every sick night when you sacrifice the help of your husband so that mine can be home for a time. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Always,
Jesi

Math

I never said I was good at math but here we go...

One case of croup
Two red inner ears
A few new teeth (hiding amongst the gums)
Lots of drool
1 Doctors visit
+
Tylenol
Motrin
Robitussin DM
Vicks SALVE (as Coach G calls it)
1 Cool Mist Humidifier
2 prescriptions
=
4 middle of the night wake ups
30 minutes of cartoons at 3:30AM
2 very tired parents
1 mommy with a headache
1 amazing husband and Daddy who took the last shift
and 1 very tired little boy named Maximus

I never did like Math.
Always,
Jesi

The Finale

Well, I know my loyal secret readers are eagerly awaiting my Homecoming story so I came out of my reclusive fog to share a bit with you.

Monday morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn, after just a few hours sleep. Max and I decided that 5:30AM would do just fine; after all it was finally here. We were just hours from picking up Daddy!

Off we went, coffee in hand, my parents driving along, and multiple cameras in tow. I decided to wear a cute outfit, new jeans, and a favorite shirt. No dress for me, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around a dress and heels at the crack of dawn. We got to the college where we were supposed to wait, and wait we did.

Rob’s aunt, his sister and some of his friends made it too. All sitting, and waiting, and laughing at a sleepy Max as my stomach flipped flopped with the nerves that always show up. Finally we heard what we wanted to know, “your soldiers are on the other side of this wall” and the crowd erupted in cheers.

And in they marched, some full of pride and boasting as they waved and smiled, some marching in, just another day to them. Rob walked in finally, chewing gum and looking somber...my tired love. Tired of waiting, tired of travel and tired of dealing with inconsiderate guys who don’t understand how to process homecoming.

Tired and somber, doesn’t matter to me. He looked wonderful, in the uniform and boots that have graced his slimmer figure for months on end. We listened to lots of important reminders, announcements and some lovely accolades but I didn’t hear a thing. I craned and strained to see my love through the crowd, Max on my hip, sleepy from his early wake up call.

Finally, a call to attention and release to their families, a salute for a job well done and off they went. We crowded the floor, eager to see one another and remember how it feels to be together again. I caught Rob’s eye before I touched him. So I waited as we pushed through the sea of chaos and finally.

He was there, I was there, Max was there. A simple hug, a simple smile, a simple kiss. And a lot of pictures.

Hello again, you’re home. And it was wonderful.

I wish I could say the next few hours and days were filled with extraordinary moments but they weren’t. They were filled with tender embraces, laughter and normalcy, creeping back in minute by minute. We are in transition now. Remembering how to be together, reminding ourselves that this is our normal and figuring out how to function as three instead of two. So far, smooth sailing. But readjustment can be scary...because everything that should be the same has changed and things are different now. You have to learn what that means, and you realize that you are entering yet another, New Normal. We are on our way...to our new normal. Taking it day by day, remembering to embrace the changes and cherish the moments...the simplest and most mundane moments, in remembrance of what we lost and what we have to gain. And even in the moments where we question everything that has happened, are you really home? Is this temporary? Is it really over? The smallest whisper, “I love you and I am so glad to be home” makes everything perfect.

For we are on our way, taking it day by day.
Always,
Jesi

The Finale

Well, I know my loyal secret readers are eagerly awaiting my Homecoming story so I came out of my reclusive fog to share a bit with you.

Monday morning, I woke up at the crack of dawn, after just a few hours sleep. Max and I decided that 5:30AM would do just fine; after all it was finally here. We were just hours from picking up Daddy!

Off we went, coffee in hand, my parents driving along, and multiple cameras in tow. I decided to wear a cute outfit, new jeans, and a favorite shirt. No dress for me, I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around a dress and heels at the crack of dawn. We got to the college where we were supposed to wait, and wait we did.

Rob’s aunt, his sister and some of his friends made it too. All sitting, and waiting, and laughing at a sleepy Max as my stomach flipped flopped with the nerves that always show up. Finally we heard what we wanted to know, “your soldiers are on the other side of this wall” and the crowd erupted in cheers.

And in they marched, some full of pride and boasting as they waved and smiled, some marching in, just another day to them. Rob walked in finally, chewing gum and looking somber...my tired love. Tired of waiting, tired of travel and tired of dealing with inconsiderate guys who don’t understand how to process homecoming.

Tired and somber, doesn’t matter to me. He looked wonderful, in the uniform and boots that have graced his slimmer figure for months on end. We listened to lots of important reminders, announcements and some lovely accolades but I didn’t hear a thing. I craned and strained to see my love through the crowd, Max on my hip, sleepy from his early wake up call.

Finally, a call to attention and release to their families, a salute for a job well done and off they went. We crowded the floor, eager to see one another and remember how it feels to be together again. I caught Rob’s eye before I touched him. So I waited as we pushed through the sea of chaos and finally.

He was there, I was there, Max was there. A simple hug, a simple smile, a simple kiss. And a lot of pictures.

Hello again, you’re home. And it was wonderful.

I wish I could say the next few hours and days were filled with extraordinary moments but they weren’t. They were filled with tender embraces, laughter and normalcy, creeping back in minute by minute. We are in transition now. Remembering how to be together, reminding ourselves that this is our normal and figuring out how to function as three instead of two. So far, smooth sailing. But readjustment can be scary...because everything that should be the same has changed and things are different now. You have to learn what that means, and you realize that you are entering yet another, New Normal. We are on our way...to our new normal. Taking it day by day, remembering to embrace the changes and cherish the moments...the simplest and most mundane moments, in remembrance of what we lost and what we have to gain. And even in the moments where we question everything that has happened, are you really home? Is this temporary? Is it really over? The smallest whisper, “I love you and I am so glad to be home” makes everything perfect.

For we are on our way, taking it day by day.
Always,
Jesi

8 Hours and 34 minutes

If I was a counting woman, I would tell you that there are 8 hours and 34 minutes until we get to see Rob...But I'm TOTALLY not counting.

Ok, I am, and make it 33 minutes and 8 hours.

We got to go to another Homecoming Ceremony tonight for Rob's friend Tony. It was incredible, as is every Homecoming, to see families reunited after a long year apart from one another. This life, where we volunteer to give away a precious part of ourselves is never easy.

Even as you welcome your soldier home, you can sense that as much as they hate being away from you, this is a part of who they are, the very threads that form them into the person you love so much. It is a part of their fiber to give of themselves.

It's scary, and admirable, and wonderful and terrible, mixed together like the colors of their dessert uniforms.

Back to counting...8 hours and 30 minutes.

Maybe I should try and sleep...when I awake he will almost be home.
Always,
Jesi

8 Hours and 34 minutes

If I was a counting woman, I would tell you that there are 8 hours and 34 minutes until we get to see Rob...But I'm TOTALLY not counting.

Ok, I am, and make it 33 minutes and 8 hours.

We got to go to another Homecoming Ceremony tonight for Rob's friend Tony. It was incredible, as is every Homecoming, to see families reunited after a long year apart from one another. This life, where we volunteer to give away a precious part of ourselves is never easy.

Even as you welcome your soldier home, you can sense that as much as they hate being away from you, this is a part of who they are, the very threads that form them into the person you love so much. It is a part of their fiber to give of themselves.

It's scary, and admirable, and wonderful and terrible, mixed together like the colors of their dessert uniforms.

Back to counting...8 hours and 30 minutes.

Maybe I should try and sleep...when I awake he will almost be home.
Always,
Jesi

Love Letters

Last night, I was shaken by a simple video on another blog. This video was one of joy, of a father wrestling with his three tow headed boys. They laughed and screamed in delight. I cried. I cried because I hate that we have missed a year of those moments. And I grieved for the families who will miss a lifetime of those moments because their soldier did not make it home safe and sound. I grieved their loss and grieved my own. (I talk more about this on Military Mommy)

It set me in a tailspin to be quite honest. And I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. I missed Rob next to me, even though we are so close. I needed to feel him near me. To have him there so I could reassure myself that we really made it. That he made it home to us.

I can’t call him, even though he is just a state away from me. We have to do some haggling with the phone company so until then he is at the mercy of borrowing phones from his fellow soldiers. He was out of touch from me.

Almost.

I knew where I could find him, where I could hold a piece of him close to me and breathe him in. I risked waking the baby to pull out my scrapbook from high school. Somewhere in the middle pages I found what I was seeking. Two clear page protectors, simple words written across the top. All My Letters from Rob.

From our first separation, we were in a heady fog of young love. Enamored with each other’s very being. I pulled them out and went back to bed. Cross legged in the lamp light I read every one of them. I laughed at Rob’s commentary on the Army, ran my fingers over his letters that spilled out love for me. Unabashed, beautiful, young, hopeful love. Tears trickled down my cheek as I remembered how it felt like the longest, hottest summer of my life. How I couldn’t imagine ever being so far away from him again. I love that they are written by the light of flashlight, at all times of the day and night, on blue Army stationary. Dated and stamped with our feelings for one another. In those letters I read words that made me smile and made my heart large with thankfulness. We wrote about our hopes and dreams, our plans for the future, would we one day be married? With children? Embracing each other every night of our lives. We had only known each other two months before he left. I was only fifteen!

If Rob didn’t read this blog so faithfully I would share some of them, because they are truly an amazing expression of romantic young love. But I love those love letters and that they are just for me. Truth be told they have never been read by anyone but me. I was too young and nervous about the depth of our feelings for one another to share them with anyone else. Not even my closest friends. They were only for me. But I am so glad that I have them, tucked away in a closet, in the midst of a million other memories. I will leave them for the daughter that we will have one day. So that she can read how loving and soft hearted her Daddy really is. So she can feel our love.

Our Love Letters, they warmed my inner being. I hugged them close to me in our bed, his side empty, lacking his ever present warmth.

He will be home soon, but last night he was with me in those love letters. I hugged him close to me, found him there, and breathed in his being. I felt him there with me.
Always,