Never Say Never

A lesson I REALLY need to learn.

I love looking back and seeing how God can bring things full circle. There are so many times when I have said "never will I" and  God has said "oh really?"

When I was young I never understood stay at home moms. My own mom worked full time and did an awesome job being a mom and working. I didn't really understand WHY you would go to college, get your degree and then "just" stay home with kids. It flat out didn't make sense to me.

me as a working mom

After Max was born I understood why there were women that chose to be stay at home moms. But I never wanted to be one. It took a few years of listening, prayer, job changes and pressing into God to desire it for myself. It's not always easy and it's a financial sacrifice to live on 1.5 incomes but I truly feel it's where HE wanted me. I quit my job when we just had Max. Little did we know that just a short 2 years later we would have not 1 more child but 3 more children. God was lining out HIS plan before we ever knew what was gonna hit us! Never say Never.

working as a stay at home mom

Twins, twins, oh my sweet twins. I cannot tell you how many times I made joking but cutting remarks about twins! I would laugh and say "If I ever have twins I am giving one away!" Of course I meant it as a joke! Because I never in a million years imagined we would have twins. Never say Never.

would you give one of these sweet things away? Me either!

School, school, blessed School. I have NEVER wanted to homeschool. I have lots of friends who do an awesome job at it. Not me. I have several friends who are organized and involved and love it and the whole time I am thinking "that is really great for them but never for me"

Funny story...Max is one of the kids who will have to wait until he is practically SIX before kindergarten because of the birthday cutoff in our town. SIX! He is a smart cookie and we did 2 days per week of Mothers Day Out last year and treated it like preschool. This year because we suddenly have four kids they will only be going on Thursdays so I can go work at the dance studio. We don't have the $$$ to put him in a private preschool and most of them are absurd schedules anyways. I have no desire to pack up 4 small children to drop him off for 2 hours and then turn around and do it again. No thank you!

ready for school last year

So I picked up a bunch of pre-k workbooks and some writing tools so that we could start some preschool work at home. So the other morning I asked him if he wanted to do some school? "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOOOOOOOOL" Max is a homebody. He is very social and LOVES playing with other kids but he LOVES being at home. I reminded him we had school stuff at home. "HOMESCHOOL? YAY!" He yells. I busted out laughing. God loves to get me everytime. I would have the one kid who requests to be homeschooled.

can you believe this kid loves home?

No, I am not commiting to being a homeschooler. But we are going to do Preschool at Home this year. I just feel like Max is MORE than ready and needs to start doing SOME structured work in tracing, adding, sight words. My friend over at The Ruby Zebra is a GREAT homeschool mom so I plan to pick her brain a little since she did preschool last year with Ms.B. I stumbled across this preschool set up so that is what we are going to be doing for the year amongst lots of play and lots of babies! Max is pretty convinced he is a Rockstar and I love that it is very scripture focused so I think it will be a good match for some "school" with Mama and Max. If I only do preschool with all four of our kids that is still FOUR kids that can get good use out of some planning and directed activities.

Little stuff, Big Stuff.

I will  never...I would never...that's not for me. God can't, God won't, God would never. God CAN, God WILL, God MIGHT! Over time God can change your heart and your mind to new things! Never say Never!

Always,
Jesi~not ready to call myself a homeschooler~haha

Give and Take, Day 23

Did you know that a slice of Key Lime Pie has 425 Calories?

Did you know I still get to eat that!?!

It's all give and take.

Yesterday was a good day! Here is my short food log
Breakfast- Half Bacon, Egg and Cheese Sandwich
Snack-Other Half Breakfast Sandwich
Lunch-Seared Tuna Spicy Salad (yummy)
Snack-String Cheese
Dinner-Roasted Chkn (3oz), Mashed Potatoes (.75 Cup) and Green Beans (1/2 Cup), Garden Salad and Key Lime Pie (Half of Giant Slice, I counted as a full slice)
(at RedRock Canyon Grill, YUM)
Snack-12 reeses pieces

Last night we got an impromptu date night and while we were out we realized that TODAY was our 10 Year Dating Anniversary. I preplanned my meal and because I had eaten light, but had eaten through the day I was hungry (not starving) and ready to enjoy really good food, just in a smaller portion that normal. And what I loved most is that I was satisfied. The food was great but the feeling of self control over my meal plan was EVEN better.

Total Calories Consumed-1597 Calories
Total Calories Burned-2612 Calories Burned

Deficit-1015 Calories
Remember deficit = weight loss

Today, Day 19
Still In Love with my bodybugg! I have gotten lots of questions about this lil gadget so I will let you all know that it is currently on sale at www.24hourfitness.com for $200. Yes, it's still a lot, but the knowledge and control I am gaining is priceless to me. If you have specific questions feel free to ask my in comments or email me at jesidz@yahoo.com

Food Plan
Breakfast-Low Fat Vanilla Yogurt and Strawberries
Snack-Apple
Lunch-Leftovers from Dinner (minus the pie :))
Snack-Pretzels
Dinner-Chili Dogs, Chips and Salsa

Total Calories Planned-1606
Total Calories Planned to Burn-2650
Deficit-1044

I weigh in tomorrow for my first Bodybugg check in! This weigh in will tell me not only my progress but with the help of my bodybugg software it will tell me how accurate my food log has been in the past week based on my loss. If I lose the 2 pounds planned then I am doing pretty well...if I lose less, I need to examine my food journal closer and be more detailed/exact. If I lose more, well then Praise be to Jesus.

Always,
Jesi

Day 18, I am still here!

Day 18, 30 Day Challenge

NO, I have not fallen off the bandwagon! I had to go out of town for TS and had to play catch up. Max has also been under the weather which means he is a super clingon, but nonetheless let’s catch up!

Food Journal
Breakfast
Whole Grain Bagel
Reduced Fat Veggie Cream Cheese
Water

Snack-
Coffee-
Splenda (2 packets)-
Half and Half-40 Cal

Lunch-
Lettuce-2 Cups
Black Beans-
Salsa-
1 Tblspn Sour Cream-
Shredded Cheese-
Chicken with Grilled Peppers-

Snack-None

Dinner-
Two Turkey Sausages
Two Wheat Buns
Cheese
Grilled Bell Peppers and Onions
Pasta Salad-3/4 Cup

Total Calories Consumed-1752 Calories Consumed

BODY BUGG!! It is here! I am so pumped, today is my first full day of wearing it because it had to charge up yesterday. I LOVE IT. It is awesome to see how small changes really do make a difference in how many calories you burn. Last night I cleaned just to burn some more calories! As of right now, at 2:45 PM I have burnt 2033 calories today. I have just over 600 more to burn and I will easily reach that. It also has a very user friendly food log so that you can see your “deficit” That is the negative number produced when you burn more than you consume which equals weight loss!

Total Calories Burned-3021 Calories Burned!

Exercise-My two favorite work gals and I are walking at lunch now. We went at a brisk pace for 20 minutes. I also went grocery shopping.

8 Waters a Day-YEs!

No Eating after 8:30PM-Well I had a couple strawberries!

Bedtime 10:30PM-Yes!

Food Journal-Yes

I bought the bottle but I didn't take a sip

Seriously the struggle with food is absolutely 100% ridiculous.

But ridiculous or not, it is real. It is very very real.

If you have struggled with a true food addiction you know what I am talking about. This is no game. This is warfare of the mind.

Last night I was dying to go buy a new book. I had read 1 & 2 of a series over the weekend and despite the ticket price I really wanted to go buy #3. So I decided to run to the bookstore. And as soon as my butt hit the seat I determined I wanted to cheat. I wanted something sweet. It was perfect timing. It was late, I was alone. I had already eaten a satisfying healthy dinner and I was right inside my caloric range for the day. Who would know? I was going to do it.

And the battle in my mind started, go or not go...eat or not eat. Run in, no food, no sweet tooth, leave with book in hand. Stronger than I thought.

TARGET! I saw it on my way, ahh Target would be better, lesser chance of cheating. But still my mind was on food. I veared in, parking at the grocery end. The books are at the opposite end of the store...I was still wavering.

I walked past the pastry cases, thinking about what I was doing to myself. Pondering how many calories were hidden behind the perfect plastic cases. I veared away.

To the books I went. I found what I was looking for, on sale!

Checkout it was, candy bars leared at me from the aisle. I grabbed a soda for Rob, no appeal there for me. I walked the aisle once or twice. I picked up a peanut butter cup.

I bought it.

I got out to the car. Frantically my brain battled. I held the tempstress. I made a teeny tiny tear in the wrapper. I thought about it harder.

I sighed.

I couldn't do it.

I tossed it back in the plastic bag. I went inside, kissed my husband, tossed him a soda and a peanut butter cup. "awww, thanks babe. You didn't have to do that"

I sighed.

I faltered, I thought. I could just let him think that I was a sweet wife, I do pick up little treats for him quite often.

I couldn't do it.

"well, I didn't really do it for you, I did it for me, but I couldn't do it. I have problems with food"

I tossed it into his lunch bag, turned off the lights, grabbed my new book and headed to bed.

"Let's got to bed...before I eat something"

Day 14, 30 Day Challenge

Happy Mother's Day!

We had Max dedicated at church this morning and it was very special. We had family in town and it was wonderful to celebrate with them.

Rob was awesome, as usual! He woke me up with two 30 minute massage gift certificates and he bought me a lily to plant in our flowerbed out front. He also went and got dinner for us last night, including my favorite dessert to share. He even went to TWO redboxes to get me Bride Wars and watched it with me after pretty much waiting on me hand and foot all day. I love that guy!

Sunday Weigh In!
-1.4 Pounds
Total Pounds Lost
-5 Pounds
In
2 Weeks

Food Journal
4 Wheat Crackers-36 Calories
5 cheese cubes-120 Calories
2 pc Pineapple-54 Calories
6-7 Blueberries-6 Calories

1 Grilled Chicken Breast-180 Cal
1/4th Mashed Potatoes with Gravy-32.5 Calories
Green Beans-25 Calories
Half Biscuit-90 Calories

Mothers Day Dinner-Olive Garden
Chicken Marsala with Roasted Potatoes-770 Calories
Half Minestrone Soup-50 Calories
1.5 Breadsticks-200 Cal
½ Tiramasu-250 Calories
Total=1813.50

Within 1400-1600 Calories
No, but overall I was happy with my food choices for a special day with family in town. I still need to work on my mindset not to reward special occasions with food but I did make some smart adjustments.

Pre-Challenge Dinner would have looked more like this
Zuppa Toscana-170 Calories
Chicken Parmigiana-1090
2-3 Breadsticks-450 Calories
Alfredo Dipping Sauce-380 Calories
Tiramasu-250 Cal
Total Pre-Challenge Meal
2340 Calories

That's WAY more than I have eaten in a DAY since starting the challenge! Yowzers!

Exercise-Nada

8 Waters a Day-Yes

No Snacking after 8:30PM-OK I cheated, I shared tiramasu with my honey after the little one was in bed, so around 9PM.

Bedtime by 10:30PM-Nope, we stayed up watching a movie.

Food Journal-YES!

Overall-Week 2 went well. My goal is to get in 5 good workouts this week and add back in some family walks. If it ever stops raining here!

Bodybugg should be here tomorrow!

Day 13, 30 Day Challenge

Frappucino-200 Calories

Chicken Enchilada, Spinach Enchilada-420 Cal
Half Rice and Beans-200 Cal
2 Corn Tortillas-100 Calories
12 Chips with Salsa-138 Calories

Brown Rice-164 Calories
Mixed Asian Veggies-25 Calories
Chicken and Shrimp in Bourbon Sauce-200 Calories

½ Cup Ice Cream-190 Calories
Total=1637 Calories

Calories within 1400-1600 Calories-pretty dang close~

Exercise-None, we had family in town, aside from walking back and forth at the SNU Campus for Clint's graduation!

8 Waters a Day-Yes!

No Snacking after 8:30PM-Yes!

Bedtime by 10:30PM-No, I started reading and lost track of time!

Food Journal-Yes!

Overall a much better Saturday than last weekend. Just one or two smarter choices would have made it even better but overall I was pleased.

Day 12, 30 Day Challenge

Food Journal
Breakfast-
Muffin-It was Muffins for Mommy Day at Daycare! Could I really say no?
250 Cal
Milk-1 Cup
120 Cal
370 Calories

Lunch-
1 Cup Gazpacho-46 Calories
Lobster-2 Ounces-111 Calories
Avocado-2 Slices-45 Calories
Lettuce and tomato-20 Cal
Horseradish Mayo-90 Cal
2 Mini Buns-210 Calories
Lunch-522 Cal

Snack-

Dinner-

Dinner-

Total Calories- Calories

within 1400-1600 Range-YAY!

Exercise- Day 6, Level One of Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred
Accomplished-

Daily Waters-8 a day
Accomplished-

No Snacks after 8:30PM
Accomplished-

Bedtime-10:30PM
Accomplished-

Food Journal
Accomplished-

Food is Fuel

Food is Fuel

Hard to remember that, Food is NOT a source of pleasure, a comfort when you are sad, a time filler, something to do, something to obsess over, something to think about throughout the day, a time saver, an existence, an object of desire, an indulgence, a cheat, a love, a companion for your loneliness, a reason to live, a reason to die, a sin, a fantastic thing, a bad thing.

Food is Fuel. And you can thank Cindy Beall for that lil ol tagline.

Amen.
Jesi

Day 11, 30 Day Challenge

Food Journal
Breakfast-
Coffee-2 Cal
Skim Milk-20 Cal
Splenda-6 Cal
Light Vanilla Yogurt-80 Cal
108 Calories

Lunch-
1/2 Cup Rice-125 Cal
Enchiladas-445 Cal
Salsa-20 Cal
Lunch-590 Calories

Snack-
Homemade Chicken Soup-1 Cup-135 Cal
(need something filling)

Dinner-
1 Ear Corn on the Cob-59 Calories
1 Cup Steamed Vegetables-50 Calories
1 Biscuit-190 Cal (holy guacamole, I don't know if I will ever eat another biscuit again!)
Dinner-299 Calories

Peanut Butter and Jelly-
Bread-140 Cal
PB-1 Tblspn 100 Cal
Jelly-1 Tspn 25 Cal
265 Cal

Milk-120 Cal

Total Calories-1517 Calories

within 1400-1600 Range-YAY! This was a great calorie day. It was just the right combo of planning, leftovers, smart choices and enough meals/snacks throughout the day to keep me going. Except that I will never eat a biscuit again, 190 CALORIES, WTH?

Exercise- Day 6, Level One of Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred
Accomplished- It is currently 10:04 and I am going to bed.

Daily Waters-8 a day
Accomplished- Yes!

No Snacks after 8:30PM
Accomplished- Well I had my PB&J at 9, so no, not so much.

Bedtime-10:30PM
Accomplished- Heading there now!

Food Journal
Accomplished-Yippers!

AND I ordered my body bugg today! I am so excited to get it next week!

Day 10-30 Day Challenge

Food Journal
Breakfast-
None, I could not get my eyes open this morning so Max and I had to rush around!

Lunch-
1/2 Cup Rice-125 Cal
Enchiladas-445 Cal
Salsa-20 Cal

Sweet Tooth-2 Andes Mints 50 Cal

Popcorn-100 Cal

Dinner-
Leftover Enchiladas-445
1/2 Cup Rice-125
Salsa-20 Cal
600 Cal

5 Multigrain crackers-50 Cal
WW Cheese-50 Cal
Chips-70 Cal
Pepper Jam and CC-50 Cal

1/2 Cup Ice Cream-190 Cal

Total Calories-1740

within 1200-1400 Range-NO, BLAH! I am going to up my calorie goal to 1400-1600. The more I looked at calc's for what I should be eating the more I realized I was aiming too low...thanks to Yen for helping me settle on 1400-1600. Since the average person underestimates calories it is good for me to aim lower in my range in case of those discrepancies. As my body changes I may have to adjust down to 1200-1400 again but for now I think 1600 is a great goal.

Exercise- Day 5, Level One of Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred
Accomplished- YES! And I am finally improving, its a small victory to do better at this but one that I needed

Daily Waters-8 a day
Accomplished- YES! That includes the 2 I guzzled before bed!

No Snacks after 8:30PM
Accomplished- No, sad times. We had to go to church last night for a meeting so we ate after Max was in bed. I hate eating late! I know it affects my weight and it is a terrible habit...no more!

Bedtime-10:30PM
Accomplished- No again, but it was because I worked out, showered, washed my face, read and then crashed. I need to get to bed earlier though because I am tired this morning!

Food Journal
Accomplished- Yes!

Day 9-A Day Home with Sick Max!

Breakfast-None

Chick Fil A-Grilled Chkn Sandwich-260 Cal
1 Honey Roasted BBQ-60 Cal
1 regular BBQ-45
Small Fry-210 Cal
Water
575 Calories

Snack-2 Cookies
100 Calories

Dinner-
Homemade Spanish Rice-3/4 Cup-243 Calories
6 Chips-75 Calories
Salsa-20 Calories
Homemade Enchiladas-made with
3 Corn Tortillas-135 Calories
1/2 Cup Shredded Cheese-220 Cal
3 ounces lean ground beef-140 Calories
homemade enchilada sauce-50 Cal
883 Calories

Total Calories-1558 Calories
1200-1400 Calories

Exercise-30 Day Shred-
Accomplished-YES!

Bedtime 10:30 PM
Accomplished-No! But I was in bed by 11PM

No Snacks after 8:30PM-
Accomplished-YES!

Daily Waters-8 a Day
Accomplished-Yes!

Food Journal
Accomplished-YES!

It's Monday (day 8) and I am not gonna let the weekend ruin my plan!

So if you have read the past two days posts you will gather that this weekend kinda sucked in the fitness/health areas. I ate too much, snacked too much, did work out but stayed up too late and did not drink enough water. BOOOOOOOO....

The point of the story is that it is Monday...a new day, a fresh start, another opportunity to make the right choices. AND it has been REALLY hard for me to be 100% honest with my bad food choices, overage in calories but I did it. I owned up to the damage and it helped. Here we go for Monday!

Food Journal
Breakfast-
1 Cup Cheerios-94 Cal
1 Cup 2% Milk-120 Cal
Breakfast-214 Cal

Snack-
None, I got a few sips of my coffee in, got busy and it went cold so I ditched it.

Lunch-
Penne Pasta-250
Marinara with Chicken-200
2 pc Garlic Toast-160 Cal
Demi Cup Gazpacho-45 Cal
655 Calories

Popcorn-100 Cal

Dinner-
2 pc cold Veggie Pizza-360 Cal
Strawberry Shortcake-150 Cal
Chips and Salsa-160 Cal
670 Calories
Water (1) After Exercise

Total Calories-1639 calories
within 1200-1400 Range-Blah Blah, I seem to keep hitting this range. Need to be much more attentive to what I put in my mouth!

Exercise- Day Three, Level One of Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred
Accomplished- Nope. Had a team meeting at our house!

Daily Waters-8 a day
Accomplished- Yes, thank goodness!

No Snacks after 8:30PM
Accomplished- Yes!

Bedtime-10:30PM
Accomplished- Yes!

Food Journal
Accomplished- Yes!

Day 6 of the 30 Day Challenge

WE HAVE PROGRESS!!
I weighed in this morning for a sneaky peek ( I am officially weighing in on Sunday mornings) and I have lost 3.4 pounds this week. It was just the boost I needed to plan out todays meals and calories and to get my workout in while the Monkey is at Grammy's house...yay!

In other exciting news, I am getting a bodybugg for Mothers Day! I am super excited, it will be a great way for me to be accountable to exercise and activity, something that I struggle with that I KNOW contributes to my weight issues. The main time frame when I gained weight was after I stopped dancing 15 hours a week, I ate the same and moved a lot less and it caught up with me, quickly. If you have not heard of the body bugg you can check it out here

This is what the contestants wear on The Biggest Loser to track all calories burned...even when you are just sitting around. To lose weight it is just math (as Barb from BABES says) you have to burn more calories than you take in. The bodybugg will help me do that and know exactly how much I need to take in versus burn. It was between a Wii Fit and the Body Bugg and Rob and I both felt like the Wii Fit would become a novelty in just a few months so we went with the body bugg. And no we are not paying full price, we found it on sale and I am getting an unexpected bonus next week. Most of it will go back into savings but Rob was so sweet to be sure that I got something great for my hard work and for Mothers Day!

Food Journal
Breakfast-
1 Cup Cereal-160 Calories
3/4 Cup Milk-90 Calories
Breakfast-250 Calories
Plus a Water

Snack-String Cheese-80 Calories
3 Cubes Beer Bread-50

Lunch-
1 cup whole wheat couscous-230 Cal
1 Cup Homemade Soup-135 Calories
Pepperjack Cheese Slice-70 Cal
Lunch-445

Snack-100 Cal Popcorn

Dinner-
Beef Stroganoff-381 Calories
Lettuce-8 Calories (cup)
Cheese-110 Cal
Ranch-145 Cal


Snack-
24 Chips-140 Cal
Salsa-20 Cal
Fat Free Cream Cheese-55 Cal


Water (1) After Exercise

Total Calories-1784 HOLY CRAP, this is why I cannot eat and then log, I truly have to plan out my food and stick to it.

Exercise- Day Three, Level One of Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred
Accomplished- YES. And I cleaned the house and gave two giant dogs baths so I probably burned some extra, good thing since I ate everything in sight!

Daily Waters-8 a day
Accomplished- Yes!

No Snacks after 8:30PM- Yes

Bedtime-10:30PM
Accomplished- YES~

Food Journal
Accomplished-Yes maaam! Even though it sucks to put down how badly I ate I feel so much better being honest and accountable, even to myself!

Day 5 of the 30 Day Challenge

Day 5 of the 30 Day Challenge

Ok, these are the days that throw me off track! NO WAY am I gonna let that happen so I have to adapt. We woke up late, and even then I could not wake up! As a result I had no breakfast and have no food with me today at work. Bad news bears.

Food Journal
Breakfast-
Nada yet so I am going to get
1/4 Bagel-63 Cal
Cream Cheese-102
Water
Breakfast-165 Cal


Lunch-
Spring Mix-15 Cal
Tuna-262 Cal
Spicy Dressing-100 Cal

LUNCH-377 Calories

Dinner-
We are eating out so this is my best estimation for this restaurant
Grilled Tilapia with 4 mini shrimp and 2 baby scallops-346 Cal
Roasted Corn-130 Cal
Rice-103 Cal
Gumbo-110 Cal
Appetizer-180 Cal
1/4 Pc Key Lime Pie-100 Cal
Dinner=969 Cal

1 Twizzler-38 Cal


Water (1) After Exercise

Total Calories-1549
within 1200-1400 Range-Nope, ok part of my journey is learning to be 100% accountable and honest with what I put in my mouth. Yesterday (Day 5) was not my best day. I was starving by the time we hit our dinner out and had the bulk of my daily calories in that meal. I made BETTER choices...we split the appetizer, I had a cup of gumbo, with out the sausage, I chose a grilled dinner and lighter sides and still it was a lot of calories. I didn't want to type out all that food, it was a bit embarrassing. What is more embarrassing is what I might have eaten BEFORE I started the 30 Day challenge. YIKES! So, today I did not stay in my calorie range. I splurged at dinner. I should have prepared better for the day. But this is the journey, not every day is perfect. Learning to be honest about my struggle is a HUGE part of this path that I am walking.

Exercise- Day Three, Level One of Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred
Accomplished- No

Daily Waters-8 a day
Accomplished- Yes

No Snacks after 8:30PM
Accomplished- No, I had a 38 Cal Twizzler at the movie. :) I don't feel too bad about it.

Bedtime-10:30PM
Accomplished- Definitely not, we were out late with our friends on a much needed date night.

Food Journal
Accomplished- Yep, and honestly too and I can walk away from the laptop, after hitting Publish Post and feel good about myself for being real.

*Remember what I said yesterday, *ahem about that time of the month* I was right, this is not good for the cravings and hunger pains so I am off to get a giganto water to see me through and keep my body in check!

Happy FridaY!

The Root of the Problem

If you hop on over to www.cindybeall.com Cindy is talking about how she broke the cycle of overeating and her rewarded system and obsession of food. On Monday she encouraged us to think about the root of the problem. This is something that we talked about in my BABES group as well with Barb but I have to admit that it is something that I struggled with.

Last night I spent some time in prayer asking God to reveal the root of my food issues. I need to know where these issues come from before I can ever be fully healed of this struggle in my life.

Several years ago, I remember telling a friend of mine that I felt like God made me struggle with my weight to keep me humble. I have always been a natural leader and naturally confident, I truly felt in that moment that if God had given me a beautifully lean size 6 body I would be the world's meanest mean girl. I don't know if that is true or not, seeing as how I will never aim to be a size 6 but I do know one thing. God did not "make me struggle with my weight"

Did He know that it would be a struggle for me? Yes. Could He have given me that perfect size 6 body? Yes! Did He blast me with a bubble butt, curvy hips and chestiness to make me humble? No.

SO back to the ROOT. After prayer God led me to remember one of the first times that someone made fun of me. I mean, really made fun of me at school. This boy was such a jerk to me and I remember being mortified as he called me names. And in that moment I felt Unworthy.

Then I remembered the first time it was ever suggested that maybe I should lose weight. Before that moment I was just a child, I had never even comprehended weight. I flitted around in my ruffle butt swimsuits so proud that I could swim across the pool underwater. WEIGHT never entered my mind. But in the MOMENT that it was merely suggested that I COULD lose some weight, that instantaneously became that I SHOULD lose weight and in that moment I felt like I wasn't good enough as I was, I was unworthy.

STILL to this day, when I have run into a brick wall with my weight/food issues I no fail jump right off the deep end into feeling Unworthy. As if my WORTH to those who surround me is not about who I am, what I do, how I act, how I love, who I love, but what I weigh. The weight ALWAYS takes me right back to feeling unworthy.

Unworthiness is quite the root. It is firmly planted in my gut, with tendrils of roots that have furled themselves around so much of who I am. Breaking the root will take a lot of work, breaking each of those tendrils that tell me I am not worthy of His love, his love, his love, your love.

Even though it is a painful revelation to reveal, a confession I would rather keep private, I think I need to talk more about it. I 100% believe that weight is an area that the devil uses against women to keep them in bondage, inable to live in true freedom with Christ.

I don't want to be wrapped up in unworthiness. I would much rather be wrapped up in Him.
Always,
Jesi

Day 4 of the 30 Day Challenge

Food Journal
Breakfast-
1 Cup Cereal-120 Cal
1 Cup 2% Milk-120 Cal
1 Muffin-72 Cal
Breakfast-312 Cal

Snack-
String Cheese-80 Cal

Lunch-
Homemade Chicken Soup-1 Servings-135 Cal
1 Cup Whole Wheat Couscous-230 Cal
Salad with Balsamic Dressing, Spring Mix, Cucumber and Tomato-100 Cal
2 Waters
465 calories

Popcorn-160 Cal-Dang me leaving my 100 cal bags at home, but I was starving.
2 Andes Mints-52 Cal

Dinner-
Chicken and Veggies at work...long story
DINNER-330
Water (2)

Water (1) After Exercise

Total Calories-1399 Calories
within 1200-1400 Range-Talk about on the money!

Exercise- Day Three, Level One of Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred
Accomplished- No Dice, Last night I got called back to work about 5 minutes after I got home. Once I got home from that 2nd shift of work, I had to drive over to my moms house to pick up her dog. I got home at 9:30 and went straight to bed.

Daily Waters-8 a day
Accomplished- More like 6

No Snacks after 8:30PM
Accomplished- YES!

Bedtime-10:30PM
Accomplished- I was in bed by 9:45!

Food Journal
Accomplished- Yes!

Today has been a hungry day, you know when you are just feeling hungry all day? I *think* it's ahem, getting ready to be that time of the month so that might be it. Means I need a LOT more water! Curb the cravings!

Day Two of the 30 Day Challenge

Tuesday April 28, 2009
Week One, Day Two

It's Day Two of my 30 Day Challenge...

Food Journal
Breakfast-
2 Waffles with Syrup, Water
300 Cal

Snack-
String Cheese-80 Cal, Water

Lunch-
Turkey-45 Cal
FF Cream Cheese-30 Cal
Spinach and Herb Seasoning-0 Cal
Cheddar Wrap-220 Cal
Carrot Shreds-12 Cal
Chips-300 Cal
Lunch-607 Cal
2 Waters


Dinner-
*Change of Plans, I have a TS party tonight right after work so I will have to eat on the run*
City Bites Small veggie sub
Dinner-250
Water (2)

After Party Protein-
2 Chicken Breast Tenders-Grilled-93 Cal
1/2 Cup Cottage Cheese-102 Cal

Water (1) After Exercise

Total Calories-1432
within 1200-1400 Range-Not Quite!

Exercise- Day Two, Level One of Jillian Michael 30 Day Shred
Accomplished- YES, it was so hard today because my muscles are sore!

Daily Waters-8 a day
Accomplished- YES! All 8 +

No Snacks after 8:30PM
Accomplished- Not so much, a late TS party left me needing some protein so I went with plain grilled chicken tenders (2) and fat free cottage cheese.

Bedtime-10:30PM
Accomplished- Definitely, I am wiped out!

Food Journal
Accomplished-Yes!

Overall, today was NOT perfect but it was dang better than any day last week. Being aware of life's daily changing schedule allowed me to plan so much better overall. I am really proud of myself for coming home from working TWO jobs today to still work out. Go ME!

August 14th

It's looming. It's the day I decided to change my eating habits and lose some weight. It's the day I went to my doctor and admitted I had issues. It's the day I cried my head off about it.

So since August 14th 2008 I have lost 20 pounds. To be honest I am frustrated with lack of progress. Say I lost 25 pounds a year on average. That means I have 3 more years of weight centered living to even get where I want to be and then guess what? I have to stick with the life changes or it's all coming back baby.

I wish I had a more positive outlook on weight loss this morning. Perhaps I should re-read my own post below and remember what the Voice of Truth tells me about myself. I admit that I have some ugly voices that tell me lie after lie about weight loss and gains. I hate those voices.

I started off my morning with a new 30 day challenge to myself. I have been in a SLUMP and I need something to kick my rear into shape, literally. I will probably be focusing my blog in this direction over the next month, including daily food journaling. Anyone is welcome to help me stay accountable! Simply post a comment that says, what the heck did you do today if I have not posted yet for that current day.

Back to the grind we go!

The Monthly Challenge Rules.
1200-1400 calories per day
No snacking after 8:30PM
Bedtime 10:30PM
8 Waters a Day
Week One-Level One of the 30 Day Shred Workout
Daily Vitamin
Food Journal

Wish me luck, AGAIN.
Always,
Jesi

BABES Update

So last week I lost .8 pounds....now I have lost over 10 pounds since August 14th...slow but steady wins the race.

The past two weeks have been tough. I have been craving crap food and easy drivethroughs but I have been battling it one day at a time. On Monday I DID NOT want to go to my BABES meeting because its that "time of the month" and I just knew I had gained.

I am so glad that I made myself go. It was just the kick in the pants that I needed. Barb loves on us so much and it is awesome. I really connected with two of my group members and our goal is to break the 10 pound mark together on Monday ( my Babes start weight is 4 pounds lower than when I started counting calories on 08.14) I have to believe that I can do it!

And I can, hence me drinking my coffee with skim milk and splenda this morning.

Anywhoo, every week Barb gives out a Sassy Award because she is the epitome of a girly girl. She called a girl up front who I had noticed from the beginning. This girl is pretty heavy and she really struggled with the simple exercise we do as a group. I purposefully met her eyes and smiled at her. I never want someone to feel unworthy because of their weight, havent we all felt that way as women?

So Monday she got the sassy award. Barb called her up front and she didn't even want to speak. And then when she started speaking she immediately started crying. My heart was breaking for her, and heck I am in the same boat! She told us that her dad told her her entire life that she would always be overweight. She has tried every diet out there and never lasted more than a month. She kept filling her dad in on BABES and he just kept telling her that she would fail, she wouldn't lose the weight. Yall in six weeks she has lost 28 pounds! 28 pounds!!! And she still weighs over 300 pounds. Finally after seeing her be successful at something her dad said that if she got down to 299 he would give her $1000 cash.

I KNOW that she can do it. She weighs on my heart this week. Pray for her. She is beautiful (and not just such a pretty face dangit) and I hate the hold that Satan has on her entire life because she struggles with her weight. I hate it.

So please pray for my Babes friends this week. Three of us are going to break the 10 pound mark together and this sweet girl will break 300 for the first time in YEARS. Pray for her heart to be mended with Jesus' love for her, without condition, I want her to know how loved she is, no matter what she weighs.

Always,


If you are in the OKC metro and you struggle with weight it is not too late to join this BABES session. We meet Mondays from 5:30-7:30PM. Email me at jesidz@yahoo.com if you want more info.