Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Root of the Problem

If you hop on over to www.cindybeall.com Cindy is talking about how she broke the cycle of overeating and her rewarded system and obsession of food. On Monday she encouraged us to think about the root of the problem. This is something that we talked about in my BABES group as well with Barb but I have to admit that it is something that I struggled with.

Last night I spent some time in prayer asking God to reveal the root of my food issues. I need to know where these issues come from before I can ever be fully healed of this struggle in my life.

Several years ago, I remember telling a friend of mine that I felt like God made me struggle with my weight to keep me humble. I have always been a natural leader and naturally confident, I truly felt in that moment that if God had given me a beautifully lean size 6 body I would be the world's meanest mean girl. I don't know if that is true or not, seeing as how I will never aim to be a size 6 but I do know one thing. God did not "make me struggle with my weight"

Did He know that it would be a struggle for me? Yes. Could He have given me that perfect size 6 body? Yes! Did He blast me with a bubble butt, curvy hips and chestiness to make me humble? No.

SO back to the ROOT. After prayer God led me to remember one of the first times that someone made fun of me. I mean, really made fun of me at school. This boy was such a jerk to me and I remember being mortified as he called me names. And in that moment I felt Unworthy.

Then I remembered the first time it was ever suggested that maybe I should lose weight. Before that moment I was just a child, I had never even comprehended weight. I flitted around in my ruffle butt swimsuits so proud that I could swim across the pool underwater. WEIGHT never entered my mind. But in the MOMENT that it was merely suggested that I COULD lose some weight, that instantaneously became that I SHOULD lose weight and in that moment I felt like I wasn't good enough as I was, I was unworthy.

STILL to this day, when I have run into a brick wall with my weight/food issues I no fail jump right off the deep end into feeling Unworthy. As if my WORTH to those who surround me is not about who I am, what I do, how I act, how I love, who I love, but what I weigh. The weight ALWAYS takes me right back to feeling unworthy.

Unworthiness is quite the root. It is firmly planted in my gut, with tendrils of roots that have furled themselves around so much of who I am. Breaking the root will take a lot of work, breaking each of those tendrils that tell me I am not worthy of His love, his love, his love, your love.

Even though it is a painful revelation to reveal, a confession I would rather keep private, I think I need to talk more about it. I 100% believe that weight is an area that the devil uses against women to keep them in bondage, inable to live in true freedom with Christ.

I don't want to be wrapped up in unworthiness. I would much rather be wrapped up in Him.
Always,
Jesi

3 comments:

Runningmama said...

Your honesty always shines so bright. Unworthiness is like every woman's struggle. It may come out in a thousand different ways, but still the same false belief.

You get more beautiful and inspiring everyday.

Love you.

Tardibonos said...

You've said it so well... and you're making me think about my root. I've been dealing with a-lot-o-poop like this right now and the mind battles are definitely the most challenging aspect. Thanks for sharing because it's causing me to dig down and find the root in me.

Jess said...

Love you ladies!!! Thank you for your encouragement. This was a tough post for me to share so I am glad that it was helpful to someone else. Honesty is hard.