Seriously the struggle with food is absolutely 100% ridiculous.
But ridiculous or not, it is real. It is very very real.
If you have struggled with a true food addiction you know what I am talking about. This is no game. This is warfare of the mind.
Last night I was dying to go buy a new book. I had read 1 & 2 of a series over the weekend and despite the ticket price I really wanted to go buy #3. So I decided to run to the bookstore. And as soon as my butt hit the seat I determined I wanted to cheat. I wanted something sweet. It was perfect timing. It was late, I was alone. I had already eaten a satisfying healthy dinner and I was right inside my caloric range for the day. Who would know? I was going to do it.
And the battle in my mind started, go or not go...eat or not eat. Run in, no food, no sweet tooth, leave with book in hand. Stronger than I thought.
TARGET! I saw it on my way, ahh Target would be better, lesser chance of cheating. But still my mind was on food. I veared in, parking at the grocery end. The books are at the opposite end of the store...I was still wavering.
I walked past the pastry cases, thinking about what I was doing to myself. Pondering how many calories were hidden behind the perfect plastic cases. I veared away.
To the books I went. I found what I was looking for, on sale!
Checkout it was, candy bars leared at me from the aisle. I grabbed a soda for Rob, no appeal there for me. I walked the aisle once or twice. I picked up a peanut butter cup.
I bought it.
I got out to the car. Frantically my brain battled. I held the tempstress. I made a teeny tiny tear in the wrapper. I thought about it harder.
I couldn't do it.
I tossed it back in the plastic bag. I went inside, kissed my husband, tossed him a soda and a peanut butter cup. "awww, thanks babe. You didn't have to do that"
I faltered, I thought. I could just let him think that I was a sweet wife, I do pick up little treats for him quite often.
I couldn't do it.
"well, I didn't really do it for you, I did it for me, but I couldn't do it. I have problems with food"
I tossed it into his lunch bag, turned off the lights, grabbed my new book and headed to bed.
"Let's got to bed...before I eat something"