Monday, May 14, 2012

Despite

That was the word I felt God whispering to my heart.

It has been a struggle these past few weeks. What might have been a few days of Rob being gone have stretched into weeks with no end in sight. We aren't sure how long he will be gone but we know God has a plan. As long as he is gone he is still on his orders and that means his income remains consistent which is important to the finance process. SO I can't complain about God providing for us, even if its not always in the way we imagine.

And as I type that out I convict myself. I am wrapped up in my own fears and controls lately. It's hard for me to let go and let God handle it. And I KNOW that about myself. And so does He. But it doesn't always make it any easier when I am clinging desperately with a clinched fist and He is gently unprying my fingers one at a time.

Every day I have gotten bad news. A new development. Something challenging. A change with military orders, a plan, a kid, a schedule, a babysitter, a house, paperwork or finances. And it's wearing on me. This morning I went to the bank to get our account statements and ONLY OUR ACCOUNT had some completely unique error and would NOT print the freaking statements. I called Rob amused by it because, Really? REALLY?

But what I know is that GOD HAS THIS.

My biggest fear is in the area of finances. It's hard for me to admit that because I believe in tithing and I believe in a GOOD God. And I KNOW KNOW KNOW in my gut and my brain that HE.CAN.HANDLE.THIS. But my flesh and my mind struggle. We CHOOSE to live on what I affectionately call 1.25 incomes. We CHOOSE to have a lean budget and go without a lot of extras. We CHOOSE to tithe and to give. And I am fearful that our income versus our expenses or the way we spend our money or the small income I contribute isn't going to be enough. I am worried about everything falling apart and ending up scrambling to find somewhere to live.

But you know what? The worst thing that can happen here is not the worst thing. We will find somewhere to stay and live, we can find another house, we can figure out finances, we can rent, we can move, we can figure it out. But we will NOT stand still when we felt like God has made this move happen. We will continue to pray and pray and pray and listen and ask and bring it ALL to God because He can handle it.

Last Thursday I was driving out to get the kids milk and it was POURING rain. I was dreading taking the kids into a store and gradually, one by one they fell asleep. Rob called me and we were talking as I absentmindedly drove through the new neighborhood. He had to tell me some more "bad news" about money and at first I was SO frustrated. So frustrated with the military and the devil and financing, paperwork, money and the way our entire economy functions. Really frustrated. And then I realized that the DAY before I had felt prompted to pray about something and GOD HAD ANSWERED. It wasn't the way I imagined but it was CLEAR. I text Rob and told him and he was shocked. And then I stopped crying because I heard these words on the radio.

"I could choose not to move but I refuse" I stopped and turned it up. This was the song. This was MY song.


I don't know what's going on anymore. I don't know exactly how this story will end. I don't know that it will go the way that I have planned. But I know that God is telling to keep moving forward DESPITE the challenges, the bad news, the hangups and the struggles. He is telling us to move and I REFUSE to make a choice against that calling. That's it. Plain and Simple. Despite everything, I refuse to give up on my good good God. Because He will NEVER give up on me. 

3 comments:

Tardibonos said...

Like an arrow to my heart. I literally cried most of the day yesterday. I called Daniel crying twice. I have felt like everything is falling apart and financial stresses are a big trigger for me.
We feel like God has called us to do something very specific and we don't know how or when. We are overwhelmed. I'm scared. I know in my heart God loves me and He has everything in His hands. My head freaks and I'm frozen with what, where, and when's. We've questioned now or later. It's impossible. I know the answer... God makes the impossible possible.
I'm challenged by this post.

Jesi said...

Oh Katrina, you are seriously so close to my heart! This is SO very challenging for me as well. I have been struggling with it for the past few months. I have a bad habit of thinking that if is not easy, falls into place, fast or goes perfectly smooth that maybe it isnt of God? But He does not promise us it will be ANY of those things! He does promise He has a PLAN for us, he does promise GOOD for us and He always promises to see us through to the end! Please know that I will stand and walk beside your family when you answer His call :)

Jesi said...

Oh and you know what song resonates through my head today? The old school church song, God Will Make a Way, when there seems to be No Way. He keeps smacking me upside the head and I am trying to pay better attention!