While I'm Waiting
In other news God keeps slamming doors shut and I am figuring out how to accept it and be grateful. There is a LONG backstory but essentially there is something in my life that has been an up and down journey. At one point it even became an idol to me. I hate admitting that but I am sure we all have those things. We talked about it in Bible Study this week and Natalie really encouraged us to be open to asking God to reveal ANYTHING that might be an idol to us. If you don't know what I am talking about I would say you should investigate if something is an idol for you if it causes neglect from your relationship with God and/or you lack neccesary restraint when it comes to that matter.
So it was an interesting study for me. I already pinpointed this thing as an idol for my life several years ago. Thankfully and painfully God pretty much ripped it from my life. It left me shaken and upset and there are fragile threads that remain from that situation. Looking back I am so THANKFUL that He removed it for me because I don't know that I would ever be where I am today in my personal relationship with Him if not for that painful encounter.
BUT there are still some emotionally jagged edges that remain. And try and try as I might I can't help but feel the cuts sometimes. It's a matter of pride really. My human nature feels a great deal of painful rejection and self examination each time He slams shut a door regarding this thing. It's hard. I can sit here and feel two emotions at the same time. Logically I know that when I toe the line it does me NO good. I cannot sit here and say that I could be involved again without letting it become idolatry again. So why would I seek that? Thank you Lord for taking away the opportunity for something to become jammed between us once again.
In the same moments I feel hurt. I feel like I did everything right and by the book and fantastically on paper. There is no logical reason for the rejection. But it still happens over and over and over again. Oh yeah, that's God slamming those doors for me. But it still hurts
It's a molding process. He is shaping me and taking away things that are not of Him and not drawing me closer to Him. I am so grateful for that despite the pain.
"This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need
This world has nothing for me and this world has everything
All that I could want and nothing that I need"
This World by Caedmon's Call