Tuesday, January 26, 2010

waiting and obedience

Man I hate to wait.

I don't have a lot of patience. Well somedays I do! Somedays when Max moves at a snails pace, taking an average of 32 minutes to move towards me to get dressed or changed or whatever I just smile and relax. Other days I grab him and get him moving. My patience level comes and goes with a regular sense of irregularity.

After my last post I started thinking about how I felt when I was in a stage of waiting. I was a working mama for 2 years and I am quite proud that I managed to not pull my hair out while managing a thriving business in a crazy industry, my tastefully simple business, social obligations, family, friends, my husband, max and half of that time was during our deployment. I don't regret going back to work after Max was born. Rob was deployed and quite honestly a neverending 24 hour cycle of me and max and me and max and just me and max was not doing much to improve what I had left of my sanity. The regular and predictable schedule of our days helped pass the time. My friends at work made me laugh and took my mind off of the things I tried hard not to think about. My paychecks amplified our ability to pay off debt and figure out how to be better stewards of all that we are given.

Despite the positives I wasn't happy with my career. I wanted something much greater than a title and a raise. I wanted to enjoy what I did and that was where I struggled. I remember when I figured out the problem. (I) had followed MY path with little consideration as to what God wanted from my life. In college (I) decided that if (I) could pick any job (I) would be a wedding planner. How (I) stumbled into that exact job is comical. (I) was 2nd picks for the position and only through my annoying follow up calls did (I) happen to get hired.(I)ronic that just one year into my career that (I) chose (I) was miserable.

In that time frame I submitted my job to God. I prayed for strength to handle the daily challenges. I prayed for change. I prayed that I would get this job or that job or another job.

He said No.

And I waited.

I never desired to be a stay at home mom. Those women who chose to do so seemed like they were a planet away from my desires. I didn't understand why you would go to college and then decide to not work in your field. I didn't get it.

Once Max was born I understood WHY other mothers chose to stay at home with their kids. It was HARD to leave my 12 week old at daycare. It was HARD to juggle everything. It was hard to put him to bed at 7:30, exhausted from a day surrounded by other kids and noise and know that I missed out on a lot.

BUT I STILL DIDN'T DESIRE TO STAY AT HOME.

I was simply waiting for a DIFFERENT job.

In those last 3 years that I worked God taught me a lot about waiting and obedience. And in that time HE changed my heart. Out of nowhere I started to consider what would be ideal. Ideally I would work part time. I love being around people and accomplishing things. I like checking off a to-do list and helping to achieve something greater than myself. I like spending time with coworkers and getting to know people. I enjoyed those things. Even our pesky deployment reinforced the theme that God was revealing to me day by day. WAIT. And while you wait, OBEY.

Somehow through those years my heart was softened to staying at home. And gradually each tear streaked strand of our life, stained with His No's and strengthened by the Wait were woven together to form a new plan for our family. Somehow He used every challenge and every struggle to paint a picture of what I desired...before I even knew that I desired it.

It is only possible for me to be at home now because of our obedience, the wait, the deployment, our schedules, doors that were closed, other doors that were opened, two part time jobs, circumstances changing and hearts that were open to His plan. All of those worked together for our good even though sometimes they didn't feel good. At all.

There is NOTHING wrong with being a working mom, a stay at home mom or any combination of the two. What is RIGHT is being obedient to what HE desires for your family. It may change in the coming years. It may not. You might live your plan from the get go, or you might have to take 772 detours to get where you need to be. You might be blessed enough to find your place tomorrow, or He might ask you to wait, and wait, and wait some more. What is most important is your willingness to be obedient to what He determines is best for you and yours. What does that mean for you?

Jesi

3 comments:

Yvonne @ StoneGable said...

Jesi, It is so nice to meet you. I come by way of SITS.
Your post is dear to me, because it is full of God's truth, His grace and your obedience. My heart is also very touched because I grew up in a military home, and have a son who served.
Waiting on the Lord is not always easy because that means totally trusting Him. And it can also mean giving up our dreams for His. My son is in seminary now and is the poster child for waiting and obedience. His desire was to continue to serve his country, but God's hand directed him to serve Him directly. I keep telling Him to be obedient because he would not want to miss the great things God has for him. I see you have leaned that too!
I was a TS girl for 6 years, but "retired" to teach and speak more.
Blessing to you! And my prayer,
Yvonne

Tardibonos said...

Jesi - I love you dearly and you're posts always give me pause to think and encouragement to keep going.

Gosh the wait is the hardest and yet it's seems to be the one thing most frequently required of me... so we're growing and stretching all for the end result of being conditioned and ready for the next bend in the road of our journey... however, sometimes that perspective escapes me in the midst of the path!

Being a stay at home mom was always my hearts desire... college came and went, career came and went... for me the wait was for my husband... then the wait was for children... then I finally became a mom and there I was, what my heart had always desired... and it was nothing I imagined. I did not tip toe through the tulips but seemed to stumble headlong into a pile of poo everyday. It was then that I realized that achieving a desire of your heart, whether long standing or newly cultivated, still meant God in the middle, me on the sidelines trusting, praying, and seeking His direction on a moment by moment basis. Rewarding yes... the hardest work I've had YES! It's been a dream come true and a reality check like no other... I am reminded day by day of how very incapable I am and how very capable and loving the Father is... ah there is the peace!

Thanks for sharing your heart with us in blog world - it's awesome!

Jesi said...

Yvonne, I visited Stone Gable and it is beautiful! Thanks for stopping by!

Katrina! YES YES YES! It's so incredible how God uses both our stumbles and our desires to bring us right back to Him. He is SO capable of that full circle learning thing. While the wait was hard I love love love being able to look back and see His hand with fresh perspective. It's an incredible journey to be on with Him as the one we follow. I love you dearly too!